I created this space as a space to detach from the scrutiny of social media and to dissolve a little bit into the vast anonymity that is the Internet. Here, everyone writes, even things that aren't true, and everyone reads and discards continuously what they don't want to take in. This space was for me to have a journal of honest growth in the areas of my life, but I haven't been very honest for the past year of my life. For that I am sorry. Why haven't I been honest? In part, of fear. Okay, cut the crap, 99.9% out of fear. Fear of losing the respect of others, fear of what others would think about my put-together outward appearance. If others knew there were times I had doubts about my life, my personality, my marriage relationship, my family size, certainly they would see me as unstable and questionable and maybe two-faced. And that would be terrible, since I want nothing more than to be taken seriously. But part of those fear-driven secrets are just that...create...

I feel like I keep writing the same thing over and over again, possibly because I'm thinking the same things over and over again. The same thoughts and questions about existence, God, spirituality, raising children, being a good partner, what to expect from my partner, how to resist being unhealthy in mind and body...these thoughts pervade my mind constantly, and I never know if I find acceptable answers to them, or find peace about them. Take the first three for example: If everyone has a thought about What Is, about Who Is, and about inevitable death and the afterlife, the question remains as to who is right? But my question has been, does it really matter who is right? We all end up at Death's door in the end, and we will all have to pass from this life to another, where we don't really know what will happen from experience. After our spirit passes, we will all find out one way or another, but we won't be able to share that with those who are still on this side of ...

I must be crazy for doing this. No, actually I must want to be silently (or maybe loudly) slaughtered by judgmental minds and peering eyes, crazed holy folks who will not, not NOT tolerate any type of diversion tactics, alternate theories, or openness to other levels of spiritual living. And I'm okay with that. Because I must be honest. I can honestly say I feel like I'm getting ready to "come out" to the world, and although I don't know what that's like for those who are homosexual, I know what it feels like to "come out" religiously, and I'm about to do just that.  Deep breath, you can do this. Just tell them what's on your mind. Just tell them...tell them... I don't think I'm a Christian anymore, guys. Instead of trying to beautifully articulate gluttonous paragraphs trying to sanely explain what goes on in my noggin, I'll just write a quick annotated list of what has spiritually been happening inside of THIS woman. I w...

Good morning! It's 9:00 am, the morning of my 26th birthday, and so much has happened. Opening my eyes this morning, I didn't think as I have so often in the past with giddy excitement "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, birthday, birthday, birthday! Me! Me! Me!" or something to that effect. I woke up, thinking how annoyed I was that my daughter was screaming in contempt of something her older brother was doing in the room next door. My newborn son (well, 11 weeks old) was next to me kicking me in my chest (bare chest) since he snuck into the bed during the night to nurse. He was, of course, kicking in his sleep so he got a free pass-this time. Then my husband comes in, leans over to kiss my forehead before heading off to work, and says "Happy Birthday." What??? Wow. I forgot. Again. He had told me "Happy Birthday" at midnight just before bed last night, and again I exclaimed, "Oh wow. I forgot again!." I don't have a great memor...

So! I've been leading worship at a really nice church; I actually started out as just the pianist, playing the hymns that were selected and picked by the pastor. A few transitions and a new pastor later, I saw myself being stretched, molded, and blended into someone I'd always subconsciously wanted to be but never really knew how to take the steps to become: A Worship Leader. I've always felt that worship was my way to the cross. To believing whole-heartedly in a Saviour. To pouring out my heart and thoughts to God. To using it as a healing mechanism from my hurts. Going to a Black church, I appreciated gospel and old hymns. Simultaneously going to a White Christian school gave me awareness of contemporary Christian music using an acoustic guitar, drumset, and people lifting up their hands and closing their eyes. Going to college opened up all other types of music to me, and a revamped direction and Classical training in piano really gave me a world of music to enjoy an...

Hey. I've missed my blog! I just want to say that there are so many beautiful people in the world. My hormones are going crazy. I've just had a baby 8 weeks ago, so you'll have to forgive the emotional gushing. But seriously. I'm seriously super inspired by endurance, emotion, simplicity of spirit, character and integrity, and sincerity and humbleness. My birth mom, Teresa, is someone who is humble. I can tell her something I struggle with and she snaps back with "Me too, Monica! I really need to work on that." We share and bond over our weaknesses. It makes me feel relieved that I'm not a perfect woman. Those are overrated. I am not in the slightest athletic in a sports-sense. I'm a pretty decent musical athlete. But in the sports world, trying to catch up with the Olympics to me is almost like going to school again. I'm impressed by how smart, fit, and talented those athletes are and feel like I am super ignorant about their world and their...

You ever hear someone smugly tell you some wise saying and you believe it? Then you start to thinking, "Does it really say that in the Bible?" Not that people can't be wise, but every good and perfect gift is from above, so if it's true wisdom it should reflect a well-known source for wisdom...which for Christians is the Bible. Here's some things that really make me think twice when I hear them said: "Actions speak louder than words." I'm not an expert on the Bible, but I do and have read a lot and I don't remember this one. I remember ones along similar lines, such as "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right " which is simply saying that even children's characters can be deciphered by what they do, whether they do it with mischief or sincerity. Another verse is "Out of the mouth the heart speaks ." Here's the kicker: an action is a function carried out through output of the con...

Know your truth! Anyone who didn't live it, doesn't know it! My friend, your confidence and self-esteem must be strong for this one. So many of us, especially those who are known as Adult Children, seek approval as a means of value to their life. The problem is that most people want you to pay a heavy price for their approval, one that is demeaning to your growth and recovery. It can be denial, it can be suppression of healing, or any number of things that are not right for you. Know your truth! Stand in it so you don't fall or lead others to remain in predicaments they need to get out of. I am inspired by the Bible because of all the adversity and controversy discussed in the stories. Many prophets were afraid...people back in those days would stone them to death for hearing something told they didn't want to hear, for being told something that made them uncomfortable, for being asked to change something they weren't trying to change. Some prophets ran away, l...

Dear Friends, Women are very interesting creatures. I think they are beautiful, mesmerizing, strong, captivating, remarkable creations. And then we open our mouths. Women are emotional and sensitive. Duh. If you are a woman reading this right now you're impatient that I'm even mentioning these obvious characteristics. Here are other observations I've noted about women that aren't so, well, nice: *Women are competitive (with men, for men, to be seen by men, to be seen with men by other women) *Women are territorial (we don't like to share) *Women are catty (we pick small items to nag about and may manage to throw things if you're "not listening) *Women are gossips (we say something to your face and talk about you behind your back, within the same 10 minutes sometimes) *Women are loyal (we will fight for a friend even if we AND they are wrong) *Women are jealous (of child-making abilities, of someone's position in life, of someone's body/h...

Devotion Tonight: Praying in Your Marriage This topic has been heavy on my heart for a while. For me, praying in my marriage, at least aloud, is a little uncomfortable. My upbringing had a lot of prayer in it. I prayed at morning and night per my mom's insistence ("Thank Someone for waking you up this morning!") and along with my daily devotionals and Sunday personal Bible study/Scripture memorization sessions. My mom was very strict about making sure I knew my stuff...or God's stuff, even though we never did it together or had family devotion. I did a lot of self-study, and my mom would make sure I knew my memory verse for each week. I dreaded Sunday mornings b/c the studies were so BORING. But I did learn a lot of Scripture, and I would say I 'studied to show myself approved' 1 Timothy something. We would pray as a family before road trips, and before family meals, especially on holidays. I don't know if my parents ever prayed together, but in...

"For the Lord does not look at the things man looks at! Man looks on the outside, but the Lord looks at the heart." I meditate on this verse daily in my comings and going. I use it as a personal rebuke whenever I feel pride coming on, or when standing up for myself, or when I'm getting ready to tithe or contribute to a cause from my "Giving Fund." Everyone who stands naked in the mirror notices flaws, although when compared with the awe of the totality of the naked body the flaws are a necessary additon to the  beautiful tapestry of a human body. My flaws are the following: 1. I avoid confrontation but struggle with NOT allowing myself to discuss questionable material with others who feel as I do (aka gossip). I was challenged this past year to 'not harm others with words of my mouth' because 'I need them (in order to) survive.' What a challenge yet what a great virtue to work towards. The problem is that truth is sometimes very harmful t...

I did a post quite some time ago on the preferred etiquette between musicians and their accompanists. There are so many things we don't think we have to say because they are commonly sensical and professional, but require a level of maturity many aren't willing to hand over. Thus comes the current post. Facebook, Twitter, and whatever everyone else uses to stay connected, linked, in-the-know, etc. are privileges. It is a privilege for someone to let you into their life a little more virtually through such sites. They are the last place, however, for public confrontation, harrassment, bullying, and other types of negative association. Would you go to your boss's facebook wall and write something rude that you think of them? Or bring up something that should be private so that all of their friends/co-workers/social circle is suddenly made uncomfortable by knowing that something weird is going on on that person's page? Not only is it showing your character or lack of, ...

I believe children are angels sent to show the rest of us people how to live. I believe they are indeed a reward from the Lord, and that they are the reason many of us are who we are today. I'm not talking about you're a "Mom" because you have a child. That's now the "who you are" I'm talking about. I'm talking about your character; your beliefs; your value system. Children really do help shape that. When I'm in the car and an inappropriate song comes on, I'm ashamed if my son has to tell me it's inappropriate in order before I change it. I just hope they won't hear or understand the "naughty" parts. But they know, and it has edited what I listen to, and I believe the same goes for my husband. I re-think my urges to go out and hit the town whenever I think of it-what if they wake up sick and need me? What if there's a fire and I'm not there to save them? You start thinking a little more clearly and hyper-sensit...

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever."-Bible Today I was overcome with gratitude. I may be a tired, busy-dreaming-mama, but I am an extremely grateful one. I opened my fridge today to pour my kids milk, and thanked God for having food inside of it. I pay rent today, but I am grateful to have a comfortable and safe place for my family to live. I am grateful for the simple antics of Kittle, our 5-wk-old kitten because He exercises our command to take care of the creatures we are given dominion over. I got my period today (!) tmi? But I am grateful because although I secretly hoped for our third child, I know God is in control of the numbers He desires for our family, and will extend it when He sees fit. I am glad with the two beautiful children I now have. I am grateful to be a mother, and for awareness in my parenting. I am grateful to have a committed partner, although we have definitely fought to get where we are now. I am grateful for the cou...

Dear Friends, I know you along with me have seen the homeless men and women standing right off the highway exits with signs like this: "Homeless, disabled, please help. God bless." In our world, we never  know who is honestly in need or not. My husband told me of a news coverage where a "homeless" man was followed after begging at the side of the road, and actually lived in a nice neighborhood and had a very nice house! Talk about shameful! I also have my doubts when I pull up to these people. I often rationalize that if they are truly homeless, they brought it upon themselves. Everyone else has to work hard to have things, why do they get off so easily? I thought that homelessness was really nothing more than a disorder of sorts, where money management and irresponsibility were the real culprits for their situations. But I have been reading a LOT of verses in the Bible lately that talk about charity and giving to the poor. Jesus says we will ALWAYS have the...

After a long hiatus from blogging, I was finally inspired to pick up my virtual "pen" and write after reading, crying, and being inspired by an article in the May issue of Ebony magazine. Catapulted in part by the remarks by Halle Berry in a past issue of Ebony regarding her view on her daughter's race, this issue is chock-full of articles regarding mixed persons' views of themselves, their families, their mixed-raced children, and what they regard themselves as racially. The crying ensued as relief-that I am not alone, that others feel as I do, that I can share my feelings without the fear of judgement. That I can be honest about who I see myself as. Because this is about ME, not about others' feelings or perceptions of me. Not about what is "politically correct" regarding my raceor allowing society to push me into a "neat little box" of either Black or White. As an adoptee, my Black parents always made sure I knew what I was mixed with, b...

As many of you may know, there was a point in time where even writing about this issue as a mixed-race woman married to a white man would be cause for an uproar and possibly dangerous to my family. It saddens me to think that our segregated world controlled our lives to down to the point of who we could or could not be in love with and choose to share our lives with. It not only saddens, but sickens me. I can only imagine the many who risked their lives and reputations in the sake of race love. The sad movie "Imitation of Life" (1959) was shown to me at a mother-daughter function over my aunt's house. Some of my aunt's and their daughters had gotten together for Sunday lunch and a movie. I never forgot that movie. I was saddened that Sarah Jane disowned her mother to live a White lifestyle, regretting her hurtful actions a little too late, chasing after her mother's casket down the street after her mother died of a broken heart. If you remember, in the movie Sar...