Open-Ended Questions

I created this space as a space to detach from the scrutiny of social media and to dissolve a little bit into the vast anonymity that is the Internet. Here, everyone writes, even things that aren't true, and everyone reads and discards continuously what they don't want to take in. This space was for me to have a journal of honest growth in the areas of my life, but I haven't been very honest for the past year of my life. For that I am sorry.

Why haven't I been honest? In part, of fear. Okay, cut the crap, 99.9% out of fear. Fear of losing the respect of others, fear of what others would think about my put-together outward appearance. If others knew there were times I had doubts about my life, my personality, my marriage relationship, my family size, certainly they would see me as unstable and questionable and maybe two-faced. And that would be terrible, since I want nothing more than to be taken seriously.

But part of those fear-driven secrets are just that...created out of fear themselves. Fear is the unknown, worrying about that which may never happen but always could. When I saw how openly the current world around me disdained larger families, how much they boldly questioned every little source and authority when I would share things and maybe make a mistake in my quotings, when I saw the lack of compassion between different people of the same religion, the bindings and imprisoning behind a religion of supposed spiritual freedom and a country that supports religious freedom yet at the same time tends to oppress those who change their minds about how they feel impressed to view and partake of that religion, I saw that there is so much more oppression in this life than freedom that it drove me to keep quiet about things I really wanted to confront and talk about. It drove me to bite my tongue when I felt like I was betraying my personal self by keeping quiet. Instead, I admired others who were brave enough to say what they believed in, those who were brave enough to step out into the guillotine while I lingered behind, waiting to see what would happen to them first.

But if I'm being honest, I'd just suck it up and tell what my truth is for today.
Today, and the way it has been for awhile,
I've questioned God's existence, and in what form that existence takes place if any.
I've questioned if Heaven is a real tangible place and the same for Hell.
I've questioned if there really is any such thing as a place in our spirits that can be calmed and soothed into peace.
I question if I've been brainwashed for most of my life.
I question what Truth is, if it does exist.
I question the kind of compassion that exists in religion, if any.
I question the self-righteous manner in which I've upheld myself for the majority of my past life, and what gave me the right to be such a way.
I question those who have questioned my happiness, and wonder what gave them the right to believe they had a right to stomp on it even a little.
I wonder at how faith means different things to different people.
I marvel at the terrible way we treat one another, faith aside.
I am saddened by how many are dropping from life by choice and by injustice. I wonder if they had any comfort or only terror during their last minutes on this side of life.
I wonder how in the world I will be a good mother to my children when I hate to see them saddened by consequences I give them...how can I go through with this consistency thing?
I am not surprised by divorce rates. People can be very hard to make a life with, and we are always changing, and that change can be very hard for people to accept.
When we are changing and growing, we either grow apart or grow together...is either way wrong?
Sometimes I wonder if my choices to avoid alcohol the majority of the time is because I am afraid that if I indulge I will succumb to the alcoholism that has run in my family.
I think it's funny how badly we think swear words are when they are just words. Who made them bad?
I think spiritual levels are real. I've been on many of them. I've been frightened by what I'm sure were demons. I still believe in a dark spirit world because I've felt it.
I remember questioning and pleading with God to show himself to me so I could be strengthened in my former faith. I got up every morning and read spiritual affirmations about his love for me, yet I couldn't find him when I needed him to show me the reason to keep going blindly in his direction.
I think the God figure itself is way too complex for humans to understand.
I think we are too hard on one another.
I think we don't hold our communities to higher standards of appraisal. This may conflict with the former statement.
Sometimes I just don't know what to think.
I know why people commit suicide. I've been exposed to the mental side of wellness and the lack of wellness to be able to recognize that the human spirit is able to be troubled; illness does in fact exist within this sensitive realm; sometimes the best way to soothe the pain is to dream of escaping it.
Although I'm saddened by those who leave Earth willingly, I do understand it, but sometimes I wish they waited around to see the sunrise so maybe they could change their mind.
I've had doubtfulness towards my visions and dreams expressed enough times to doubt it myself, and for this I am full of sorrow that it happened and that I believed it.
I prefer to live by myself with my family in a place with a nice climate and smiling faces.
I dream of traveling.
Makeup is a distraction and a salve for how hard life is.
I have way too many things I aspire to be and do.
I need to learn how to "be."
Being on the opposite side of dynamic faith and existing off the crumbs of your former faith while hoping your daily faith bread for the next day will be provided is the most humbling thing I have ever experienced. It's like being poor but not wanting to say you're poor, so you don't say anything and let everyone assume you're not poor. Then you feel worse for acting.
I am not satisfied with what I've learned, therefore I seek more.
I am grateful to exist. I can't imagine that some splendid Power did not create the majesty of this planet and its inhabitants.
I am so grateful to be Mother, to be Lover, to be a voice that speaks for justice in this terrible world.
I have seen both sides, and they both have their strengths and weaknesses.
Being without faith is not always a choice. It can be forced. Some days we can wake up without it.
I take responsibility for my life and my thought paths.
I take responsibility for my actions.
I take responsibility for my spirit.

I've been waiting a year to get that off of my chest.
Thank you.

Monica