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He knows my Heart

"For the Lord does not look at the things man looks at! Man looks on the outside, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I meditate on this verse daily in my comings and going. I use it as a personal rebuke whenever I feel pride coming on, or when standing up for myself, or when I'm getting ready to tithe or contribute to a cause from my "Giving Fund."

Everyone who stands naked in the mirror notices flaws, although when compared with the awe of the totality of the naked body the flaws are a necessary additon to the  beautiful tapestry of a human body.

My flaws are the following:

1. I avoid confrontation but struggle with NOT allowing myself to discuss questionable material with others who feel as I do (aka gossip). I was challenged this past year to 'not harm others with words of my mouth' because 'I need them (in order to) survive.' What a challenge yet what a great virtue to work towards. The problem is that truth is sometimes very harmful to others. Hmmm.

2. I have a temper, and when someone pushes my buttons my inner lioness roars to the surface. She has been tamed A LOT over the past few years through counseling so I can better manage my former deep-seated anger. Now tantrums are few and further between...is my husband reading this?

3. Wanting to have the last word. If I think I'm right, I will defend it right down to the very skin on my teeth. BUT if I do find out I need to reassess or am wrong in my words or actions, I will let you know that I received your rebuke and I will apologize.

4. Fear has followed me most days of my life. Fear of security; fear of not belonging; Fear of judgement; Fear of the not-good-enoughs; Fear of failure; Fear of being improperly raised to an undeserved position (I know, I'm crazy!); Fear that I am hated and unliked by many. Well, studying the Bible more and pursuing wellness has erased 90% of this, praise God!

These are just to name a few; it can be hard picking on yourself! But if we don't, we risk being branded "self-righteous" by others, and we can all stand a good tune-up. Thankfully the only person who needs to be involved in this tune-up is God! He is the ultimate Mechanic who can clean us up and fix all the damaged wiring so we can shine our lights again. And He'll even take the wheel. Sigh *

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