Chapter 6
I have come to grips about a few things about myself that have always bothered me but now I feel I can accept. The first: I find a project that I want to tackle, I run it into the ground, I wear myself out over it, and then I am so fatigued I end up at times becoming depressed because of my lack of progress and simply give up on it for an unprecedented period of time.
Take exercise, for example. I put myself through hell to have a flat stomach, slimmer thighs, and toned arms after having two babies. I attributed my inability to lose weight after my first pregnancy to having hypothryroidism, which does make it almost impossible to lose weight. I then fell into a depression because I loved eating too much to avoid certain foods AND hated cardio too much to run around my apartment complex. Talk about Mission Impossible! I set out to accomplish a task, and when other factors contributed to the delay of the completion of my task, I have a heart attack! Everyone around was telling me not to be too hard on myself, that I looked great for having a baby, and that it was going to take time. After my second child, I was determined to be more proactive about losing weight. I got my thyroid checked out (again, it was underactive); I worked out using my laptop and searching sites such as "Women's Health" and "Glamour" and "Shape" to get routines, and even Youtubed routines for Mommy and Baby. I made a commitment to eat healthily, and began buying only whole grain breads, lots of veggies and fruits, and even planned a two-week health and fitness routine for the whole family to try. Needless to say, just because I was on new health kick didn't mean everyone was mentally in the same place or ready to make the same commitments. The routine didn't last, I felt desperate to make everyone see how important it was to exercise and eat right, and in the end fell off myself because I didn't have the support I tried to build in my house towards a better lifestyle.
Lesson learned: you just can't expect others to rise to your level of expectation at the moment at any given moment. Change needs to be an inwardly felt experience, a desire and yearning for something more fulfilling. For me, I knew that exercise and healthy eating needed to be a part of everyday life for everyone, but I could only affect me. Now how was I going to exercise and stay committed when no one in my house did so? I was truly stuck. But I didn't stop harping at myself. "You should really be working out!" I would snap at myself. "You shouldn't buy those cookies! You're going to gain back all the weight you've lost, and then you'll really feel terrible about yourself!" "If you keep laying around waiting for everyone to help you exercise, you're never going to get the flat stomach you think will make you happy!" And the negative self-talk just didn't stop. Nagging myself was making the situation worse.
After reading "The Happiness Project" I realized that my goal of working out 4x/wk for 25 minutes may have been realistic for someone else, but it wasn't realistic for me. I couldn't have an exercise schedule where I didn't have to work out every day, because I couldn't trust myself to stick to it. I would have my skip day, and then the next day would turn into a skip day, and eventually I was barely exercising 1x/wk. Depression has played a huge factor in this, but I am responsible for my actions. I will not give myself over to such an illness and allow it to ruin my life. So my realization was this: when it comes to exercise, I need to do it every day. It needs to be a need just like sleep, water, and brushing my teeth. In fact, I wouldn't let myself brush my teeth today before exercising. Just so the discomfort of having an icky mouth would push me to work out. And it worked-today. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I may have to do to make myself get it in, but I will keep trying.
I nag myself way too much, I've discovered. "You should be keeping the bathroom more clean!" "You should wash your linens more!" "You should be better at organizing" or "You should get down on your hands and knees and mop the floor!" To which my inner self just rolls its eyes and ignores the nagging, and then I feel worse than ever because I can't motivate myself to do ANYthing! I nag myself about holding on to hurts and instances from the past, about being near-OCD about scheduling, money, and organization. "The Happiness Project" reminded me that in order to be happy I need to learn to live more. I tell people all the time "I'm just trying to learn how to live after graduating from school." The truth is, I never knew how to live. My parents always organized that part for me growing up, I had a limited social life, I didn't participate in extracurricular activities, and once I went to college, I was absorbed in my studies until the time I graduated, although I managed to squeeze in having two kids in there somewhere. Now I feel like I'm years behind on the living thing, and I'm desperate to catch up before my kids graduate from college and have families of their own.
For me, being happy is realizing I may need to re-name exercise as a "hobby" rather than a necessity. Then it makes me feel like it's something I do because I enjoy it. I may need to keep my "Eat anything you want" day every Saturday AND enjoy dessert most other days. I may need to take my kids outside more just so I can get out of the house, have some sunlight, and move a little more to keep up with them. I may need to go visit a farmer's market to pick out fresh produce and plan it into my weekly recipes. To be happier I need to quit nagging and start living. That happens by taking small risks with myself, and learning to give myself a little free will from myself. If that makes any sense.
I have come to grips about a few things about myself that have always bothered me but now I feel I can accept. The first: I find a project that I want to tackle, I run it into the ground, I wear myself out over it, and then I am so fatigued I end up at times becoming depressed because of my lack of progress and simply give up on it for an unprecedented period of time.
Take exercise, for example. I put myself through hell to have a flat stomach, slimmer thighs, and toned arms after having two babies. I attributed my inability to lose weight after my first pregnancy to having hypothryroidism, which does make it almost impossible to lose weight. I then fell into a depression because I loved eating too much to avoid certain foods AND hated cardio too much to run around my apartment complex. Talk about Mission Impossible! I set out to accomplish a task, and when other factors contributed to the delay of the completion of my task, I have a heart attack! Everyone around was telling me not to be too hard on myself, that I looked great for having a baby, and that it was going to take time. After my second child, I was determined to be more proactive about losing weight. I got my thyroid checked out (again, it was underactive); I worked out using my laptop and searching sites such as "Women's Health" and "Glamour" and "Shape" to get routines, and even Youtubed routines for Mommy and Baby. I made a commitment to eat healthily, and began buying only whole grain breads, lots of veggies and fruits, and even planned a two-week health and fitness routine for the whole family to try. Needless to say, just because I was on new health kick didn't mean everyone was mentally in the same place or ready to make the same commitments. The routine didn't last, I felt desperate to make everyone see how important it was to exercise and eat right, and in the end fell off myself because I didn't have the support I tried to build in my house towards a better lifestyle.
Lesson learned: you just can't expect others to rise to your level of expectation at the moment at any given moment. Change needs to be an inwardly felt experience, a desire and yearning for something more fulfilling. For me, I knew that exercise and healthy eating needed to be a part of everyday life for everyone, but I could only affect me. Now how was I going to exercise and stay committed when no one in my house did so? I was truly stuck. But I didn't stop harping at myself. "You should really be working out!" I would snap at myself. "You shouldn't buy those cookies! You're going to gain back all the weight you've lost, and then you'll really feel terrible about yourself!" "If you keep laying around waiting for everyone to help you exercise, you're never going to get the flat stomach you think will make you happy!" And the negative self-talk just didn't stop. Nagging myself was making the situation worse.
After reading "The Happiness Project" I realized that my goal of working out 4x/wk for 25 minutes may have been realistic for someone else, but it wasn't realistic for me. I couldn't have an exercise schedule where I didn't have to work out every day, because I couldn't trust myself to stick to it. I would have my skip day, and then the next day would turn into a skip day, and eventually I was barely exercising 1x/wk. Depression has played a huge factor in this, but I am responsible for my actions. I will not give myself over to such an illness and allow it to ruin my life. So my realization was this: when it comes to exercise, I need to do it every day. It needs to be a need just like sleep, water, and brushing my teeth. In fact, I wouldn't let myself brush my teeth today before exercising. Just so the discomfort of having an icky mouth would push me to work out. And it worked-today. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I may have to do to make myself get it in, but I will keep trying.
I nag myself way too much, I've discovered. "You should be keeping the bathroom more clean!" "You should wash your linens more!" "You should be better at organizing" or "You should get down on your hands and knees and mop the floor!" To which my inner self just rolls its eyes and ignores the nagging, and then I feel worse than ever because I can't motivate myself to do ANYthing! I nag myself about holding on to hurts and instances from the past, about being near-OCD about scheduling, money, and organization. "The Happiness Project" reminded me that in order to be happy I need to learn to live more. I tell people all the time "I'm just trying to learn how to live after graduating from school." The truth is, I never knew how to live. My parents always organized that part for me growing up, I had a limited social life, I didn't participate in extracurricular activities, and once I went to college, I was absorbed in my studies until the time I graduated, although I managed to squeeze in having two kids in there somewhere. Now I feel like I'm years behind on the living thing, and I'm desperate to catch up before my kids graduate from college and have families of their own.
For me, being happy is realizing I may need to re-name exercise as a "hobby" rather than a necessity. Then it makes me feel like it's something I do because I enjoy it. I may need to keep my "Eat anything you want" day every Saturday AND enjoy dessert most other days. I may need to take my kids outside more just so I can get out of the house, have some sunlight, and move a little more to keep up with them. I may need to go visit a farmer's market to pick out fresh produce and plan it into my weekly recipes. To be happier I need to quit nagging and start living. That happens by taking small risks with myself, and learning to give myself a little free will from myself. If that makes any sense.
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