Chapter 7
Amazing how one of my happiness goals, forgiveness, has sat active in my mind with the drawing near of and occurrence of Mother's Day. What a beautiful holiday. I couldn't help realizing my inability to enjoy the day with abandon. I knew that in addition to being Mother's Day, it was also my adoptive mother's birthday, her 60th. I am always very aware of how old my parents are, and with each passing birthday I cringe a little thinking ahead to the days when their birthdays will only bring memories instead of a voice on the other end of the telephone line.
I knew I would call my mother today, and I knew I would wish her both a happy birthday and a happy Mother's Day, and let her know I hoped she would have a great day. I figured we would politely exchange conversation about our plans for the day, how things were going with my husband's job, etc But I knew that after not talking for four weeks we were both thinking the same thing : "Why is this all we have?" I can tell you why, and she can tell you why, but our explanations won't have the same conclusion or even the same content. I don't think she has a clue and I'm sure she thinks I'm an ungrateful adoptee who couldn't wait to find my "real" parents and dump them by the wayside. We can secretly hold out on our half of the relationship because we feel we've been wronged.
Every card in the store today said the wrong thing. "Thanks so much for everything you've done, you are the best mom anyone could have" (cringe). "You are my best friend" (cringe again). "You were the first one to hold me in your arms" (next!). "I can tell you anything and you always give me the best advice" (okay, I'm done!). My son tugged at my hand, "Can we please go Mommy! I have to go pee-pee!" and me mumbling, "Hold on son, I'm trying to find a card for Grandma" which eventually changed to, "I guess we'll just send her an E-card this year." I felt defeated, for not one card could voice how I was feeling. I found an E-card with nice flowers on it, and wrote:
I learned that a possible meaning for forgiveness is to "give for" handling, to the Creator, whoever or whatever that is for you. Give it up to the only Being or presence capable of handling it, cause it sure ain't us humans. We don't have the capacity to excuse wrongs wholeheartedly or even willingly at times. We are flawed to begin with in every doing, and will be flawed till our end. But to give someone over for handling is a much more do-able process than to fool ourselves into thinking we've managed to overlook things that have burned us or scarred us. Whenever you look at a physical scar, you are reminded of the incident that caused that scar. Few people will have a scar and have no clue where it came from. This Mother's Day, I kept a personal value alive by doing what I had resolved in myself to do, which was to show up and take a small risk. We can only take these things one day at a time. And make those changes within ourselves to keep from recreating hostility within our children, and love our children so much as to make every effort to let them know how much they are loved, how much they matter to society, how special and unique they are, what a gift they are. Of course perfection is unattainable in every area, and we will need our children to forgive us many times. I will always remember that as much as I need to receive, I need to give. And this includes forgiveness.Lord, help me be more like You so that my children will follow my lead.
Amazing how one of my happiness goals, forgiveness, has sat active in my mind with the drawing near of and occurrence of Mother's Day. What a beautiful holiday. I couldn't help realizing my inability to enjoy the day with abandon. I knew that in addition to being Mother's Day, it was also my adoptive mother's birthday, her 60th. I am always very aware of how old my parents are, and with each passing birthday I cringe a little thinking ahead to the days when their birthdays will only bring memories instead of a voice on the other end of the telephone line.
I knew I would call my mother today, and I knew I would wish her both a happy birthday and a happy Mother's Day, and let her know I hoped she would have a great day. I figured we would politely exchange conversation about our plans for the day, how things were going with my husband's job, etc But I knew that after not talking for four weeks we were both thinking the same thing : "Why is this all we have?" I can tell you why, and she can tell you why, but our explanations won't have the same conclusion or even the same content. I don't think she has a clue and I'm sure she thinks I'm an ungrateful adoptee who couldn't wait to find my "real" parents and dump them by the wayside. We can secretly hold out on our half of the relationship because we feel we've been wronged.
Every card in the store today said the wrong thing. "Thanks so much for everything you've done, you are the best mom anyone could have" (cringe). "You are my best friend" (cringe again). "You were the first one to hold me in your arms" (next!). "I can tell you anything and you always give me the best advice" (okay, I'm done!). My son tugged at my hand, "Can we please go Mommy! I have to go pee-pee!" and me mumbling, "Hold on son, I'm trying to find a card for Grandma" which eventually changed to, "I guess we'll just send her an E-card this year." I felt defeated, for not one card could voice how I was feeling. I found an E-card with nice flowers on it, and wrote:
Dear Mom,I reminded my mom to check her email, and she said she would. The kids said hello, she enjoyed hearing from them. And at just past four minutes, the deed was done and we were back to our respective sides of the familial universe. Till the next holiday or until I was finally tired of missing talking with my mother no matter how much I couldn't be open and relaxed with her. Although I've forgiven her. Forgiveness and love are synonymous, I think. If you love someone, you "keep no record of wrongs"as is written in 1Corinthians 13. Seems impossible if you ask me. How do you simply not remember what was done? (you don't). How do you carry on a meaningful relationship with someone who has crossed the line, or with someone you've wronged, knowing that you still twinge with guilt when that person still doesn't open their heart to you the way you wish they would?
Wishing you a happy birthday and Mother's day! You are very special and I hope today is very happy for you. Thank you for doing your best as a mother.
I learned that a possible meaning for forgiveness is to "give for" handling, to the Creator, whoever or whatever that is for you. Give it up to the only Being or presence capable of handling it, cause it sure ain't us humans. We don't have the capacity to excuse wrongs wholeheartedly or even willingly at times. We are flawed to begin with in every doing, and will be flawed till our end. But to give someone over for handling is a much more do-able process than to fool ourselves into thinking we've managed to overlook things that have burned us or scarred us. Whenever you look at a physical scar, you are reminded of the incident that caused that scar. Few people will have a scar and have no clue where it came from. This Mother's Day, I kept a personal value alive by doing what I had resolved in myself to do, which was to show up and take a small risk. We can only take these things one day at a time. And make those changes within ourselves to keep from recreating hostility within our children, and love our children so much as to make every effort to let them know how much they are loved, how much they matter to society, how special and unique they are, what a gift they are. Of course perfection is unattainable in every area, and we will need our children to forgive us many times. I will always remember that as much as I need to receive, I need to give. And this includes forgiveness.Lord, help me be more like You so that my children will follow my lead.
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