Chapter 4
If you don't have the book "The Happiness Project" by now, I may have to leave you in the dust a tiny bit. Many of the references I will use come straight from the book. Forgive me, but I am just exploding to hit every topic!
First and foremost, I must confess something: I love writing and would love to be a writer if I could somehow work that out. It is so releasing, comforting, and sharing to open my heart completely through words and depictions. I feel it is definitely a form of therapy within itself. The downside is once it's out there, you open your work and honesty to judgement, criticism, and of course rejection. Fortunately, I have been working towards internalizing the verse of the Bible that says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." That way I don't have to worry about others judging me for they will receive it in return. So cliche, but "Only God can judge me!". His opinion is the only one that should really matter to me. I mean, when I look at all the wonderful things He says about me (and all His children) in the Bible it's hard not to get a quick boost of self-esteem. Maybe we'll chase that in another post?
My newest revelation regarding happiness is this: maybe free happiness and joy are elusive, or rather witheld, so that by seeking it we come across God's part in it (or if you are "iffy" about believing in God, insert "a higher power" in that space). The role of that which is unexplainable but simply exists as a result of an innate faith born in the mind. I've said before that if this life is all there is to struggle through, and there is no possibility of another chance after death and we are just here to suffer and then to thankfully die and disintegrate and be forgotten, then I would rather believe in the fallacy of God and heaven, since to live with hope is more bearable than to die without it.
Rubin talks about something we are all guilty of, but should really think about when addressing self-improvement: gossip. Rubin surprises me by first acknowledging the reasons we gossip, which are for acceptance (we feel grateful to be allowed into a seemingly private conversation) and bonding (by haggling over a topic we feel we have to hide together we actually form a bond). The sad part is that what we gossip about we rarely would ever want the defendant to know, much less know WE had a part in contributing to any rumors or ill-speaking. And that's where it becomes harmful. I recently heard a sermon by a woman minister who was leaving her current job in the ministry for a different one. She assured the congregation that she would not "harm" them with the words of her mouth upon leaving, and speak ill of them. She then proceeded to sing " I need you" by Hezekiah Walker. I was surprised for two reasons: one being that the song is written by a gospel artist and the demographic of that particular church swayed towards a more liberal Caucasian crowd. Secondly, I've known that song for years, and never once had I understood it like I did the day the minister sang it to her congregation. "I won't harm you with words of my mouth/I love you/I need you to survive." How often do we harm others with words of our mouths when we know we shouldn't? How often to we harm others either behind their backs or in their faces? Speaking rudely and insensitively to those we love (children, spouses, siblings, co-workers) is harmful to their feelings and self-esteem. We love these people, and we need them to sustain us with support, kind words, and love. I challenged myself that day not to harm others with my words. And although I may have still gossipped once or twice, I am so much more mindful of it and wish to completely avoid it. My newest core value/belief is that gossip harms others, and since I need them to survive (just like every animal/plant in the ecosystem depends on one another for sustenance and survival) I must avoid harmful talk. When you gossip about others, people will unintentionally transfer those qualities you gossip about to you, and hesitate to share anything with you personally in the future. In conclusion, don't harm others with your words. Period.
One of my happiness commandments is to "Act how I want to feel." One of the feelings I addressed was loyalty. It is more a characteristic, true, but in order to feel loyal to myself and my friends I need to stick to my belief that gossiping is harmful and unattractive (thus proving loyalty to myself) and not allow others to gossip about others to me by remaining neutral and even offering different points of view, and ultimately changing the subject. I was very touched by an incident that a professor shared with me a few years ago: when I was pregnant with my first son, I was a senior in undergrad. The professor who was currently teaching my piano had approached the professor telling the story and encouraged conversation and gossip regarding me and my situation. This professor said she stopped that professor by saying that she did not intend to indulge in any gossip regarding such a serious and sensitive manner. I was so impressed and I oddly felt special. I challenged myself from then on to be more mindful of not gossiping and protecting the privacy and feelings of others.
If you don't have the book "The Happiness Project" by now, I may have to leave you in the dust a tiny bit. Many of the references I will use come straight from the book. Forgive me, but I am just exploding to hit every topic!
First and foremost, I must confess something: I love writing and would love to be a writer if I could somehow work that out. It is so releasing, comforting, and sharing to open my heart completely through words and depictions. I feel it is definitely a form of therapy within itself. The downside is once it's out there, you open your work and honesty to judgement, criticism, and of course rejection. Fortunately, I have been working towards internalizing the verse of the Bible that says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." That way I don't have to worry about others judging me for they will receive it in return. So cliche, but "Only God can judge me!". His opinion is the only one that should really matter to me. I mean, when I look at all the wonderful things He says about me (and all His children) in the Bible it's hard not to get a quick boost of self-esteem. Maybe we'll chase that in another post?
My newest revelation regarding happiness is this: maybe free happiness and joy are elusive, or rather witheld, so that by seeking it we come across God's part in it (or if you are "iffy" about believing in God, insert "a higher power" in that space). The role of that which is unexplainable but simply exists as a result of an innate faith born in the mind. I've said before that if this life is all there is to struggle through, and there is no possibility of another chance after death and we are just here to suffer and then to thankfully die and disintegrate and be forgotten, then I would rather believe in the fallacy of God and heaven, since to live with hope is more bearable than to die without it.
Rubin talks about something we are all guilty of, but should really think about when addressing self-improvement: gossip. Rubin surprises me by first acknowledging the reasons we gossip, which are for acceptance (we feel grateful to be allowed into a seemingly private conversation) and bonding (by haggling over a topic we feel we have to hide together we actually form a bond). The sad part is that what we gossip about we rarely would ever want the defendant to know, much less know WE had a part in contributing to any rumors or ill-speaking. And that's where it becomes harmful. I recently heard a sermon by a woman minister who was leaving her current job in the ministry for a different one. She assured the congregation that she would not "harm" them with the words of her mouth upon leaving, and speak ill of them. She then proceeded to sing " I need you" by Hezekiah Walker. I was surprised for two reasons: one being that the song is written by a gospel artist and the demographic of that particular church swayed towards a more liberal Caucasian crowd. Secondly, I've known that song for years, and never once had I understood it like I did the day the minister sang it to her congregation. "I won't harm you with words of my mouth/I love you/I need you to survive." How often do we harm others with words of our mouths when we know we shouldn't? How often to we harm others either behind their backs or in their faces? Speaking rudely and insensitively to those we love (children, spouses, siblings, co-workers) is harmful to their feelings and self-esteem. We love these people, and we need them to sustain us with support, kind words, and love. I challenged myself that day not to harm others with my words. And although I may have still gossipped once or twice, I am so much more mindful of it and wish to completely avoid it. My newest core value/belief is that gossip harms others, and since I need them to survive (just like every animal/plant in the ecosystem depends on one another for sustenance and survival) I must avoid harmful talk. When you gossip about others, people will unintentionally transfer those qualities you gossip about to you, and hesitate to share anything with you personally in the future. In conclusion, don't harm others with your words. Period.
One of my happiness commandments is to "Act how I want to feel." One of the feelings I addressed was loyalty. It is more a characteristic, true, but in order to feel loyal to myself and my friends I need to stick to my belief that gossiping is harmful and unattractive (thus proving loyalty to myself) and not allow others to gossip about others to me by remaining neutral and even offering different points of view, and ultimately changing the subject. I was very touched by an incident that a professor shared with me a few years ago: when I was pregnant with my first son, I was a senior in undergrad. The professor who was currently teaching my piano had approached the professor telling the story and encouraged conversation and gossip regarding me and my situation. This professor said she stopped that professor by saying that she did not intend to indulge in any gossip regarding such a serious and sensitive manner. I was so impressed and I oddly felt special. I challenged myself from then on to be more mindful of not gossiping and protecting the privacy and feelings of others.
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