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Sometimes, I cry...



Today was terrible. I'm sitting now finally having gotten through it, with "Sex and the City: The Movie" playing in the background, my hair damp from an aromatic shower, and my honesty about to boil over and burn your lap. After a nearly two-week streak of overwhelming joy and happiness, hope for new possibilities in my life, today I crashed, and I mean h-a-r-d. Today mommy-ing was so rough. My son seems to never stop calling me. The cat never stops play-biting. My daughter gets clingy and whiny from getting up too early and wanting to nap before lunch. The long list of things to do on my day off (written by me, of course) is slowly being completed, but my fatigue isn't melting away. In fact, even after 9 hours of sleep, I was so tired today I was disappointed in my body, of all things. This is not an ordinary tired. This is a I've-been-trying-to-figure-out-why-I've-been-fatigued-for-over-a-year-and-my-doctors-don't-seem-to-care-or-know-anything-and-I'm-not-getting-better type of tired. A tired I'm tired of being and have been praying for to disappear. My body was heavy, achy, and I severely wanted to drop onto the floor and pass out several times today. My muscles are weak, opening jars are heard for me. The soles of my feet ache, and I feel like I've run a marathon. And today it all overwhelmed me and I  gotta tell you, I cried like a baby. I was angry with my husband for not "trying"hard enough, I fussed constantly at the kids for "bugging" me, I didn't want to talk to anyone on the phone because I was exhausted and moody. I didn't even want to eat lunch b/c I was too tired to make it.

So,long sob-story short, the kids went to bed at 8 pm(they cried); I layed down to try to rest and was restless (I cried); I am tired of being tired and weak and am losing hope that this can be cured. It would be great for the pain to subside and be over. I then thought of my relatives struggling with sickle cell, and think how ashamed I should be to pity myself when they deal with pain for their whole lives and their bodies continuously disintegrate throughout the course of their life. I think of how I don't have cancer or HIV. It makes me feel just a wee-bit better. But I do still want to cry. I pray for God's healing , mercy, grace, and that I can find a medical team to help get me through this. Thanks for listening, caring, and supporting me even when I dont' act like i need it. I really do, cuz this is super hard.

Love, Monica
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Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 24, 2011 at 10:44 PM

    Monica,
    Have the doctors checked to see if you have Fibromyalgia or any other kind of autoimmune disorder? I have juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (it went away for a few years, but has been full force for the last 8) and fibromyalgia. Your pain sounds similar. Opening jars is kind of signature of JRA/autoimmune stuff. They could check your ANA levels. It doesn't always show, but it might be a start. Dr. Kolstoe in East Lansing is a fantastic rhuematologist. He keeps researching and trying different things until he gets a treatment plan that works and he's willing to change it up when it stops working.

    I'll be praying for you. I know how hard it is to keep going when pain and exhaustion hit.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moni PadulaSeptember 24, 2011 at 10:52 PM

    Thank you. I will definitely keep fighting and take your advice.

    ReplyDelete

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