I am writing this subjectively, which is good, because it shows just how much a woman can be shaken to her core when her womanhood is questioned, threatened, demoralized, and abused by other woman because of exercising her right to physically breastfeed in public...without a cover.
Let me begin by getting out all of the things that have been freely said to me as I voiced my questions to the common social mores of today regarding this highly-uneducated area of sensitivity.
Why the shame-induced tactics? Because sadly, they work. Women are taught they are the weaker gender, they don't have the intellect and insight to make good decisions, they are subject to a man to look towards for their value, for their self-respect, for their approval, and if not a man, a woman deemed "righteous" enough to evaluate this for her, in a man's place. And when women, who are not built up in their security and in their emotional strength and resolve, hear these messages all around them, they succumb to the bullying tactics, they feel the shame in heaping moundfulls, and they retreat, relenting into thoughts of obviously being silly to have had a right to their former thinking and their former beliefs, and almost eerily feeling that they will be better accepted if they follow "the rules." Otherwise, here come the wolves...
How bereaved I am that womanhood in America has the ability to successfully burden women with self-righteous mores and beliefs, without asking a woman first if she is of the same belief system, if she CARES what they think, nor asking themselves if what they have to say is actually encouraging to a mother who simply wants to give her children what she knows to be the best for her precious little life and simply needs a smile, a nod, a "great job", yet instead receives a barrage of unhelpful, intrusive, and downright rude and cruel subjective commentaries about how they should cover themselves and all other manners of narrow-minded pitiful stabs at her character.
I have been subject to this, either directly or indirectly, and I can tell you firsthand, it HURTS. It hurts very badly. Not only do I, of my own personality, not intrude on the peace of others when they stand up for their beliefs, but I would never go so far as to tell them the kinds of things mentioned above WHETHER OR NOT I believed in their way or a different way. I simply respect my loved ones and those in my village and circle too much to attack them in this manner, whether subtly or outright.
So while I've been relentlessly seeking, searching, begging, and pleading for others to accept me as I am as a mother who publicly breastfeeds, who is decently modest according to her personal beliefs in all areas of her life, and who is first and foremost a source of nourishment for her beloved child/ren, I have come to the conclusion that I will in turn BE that support for others, that safe place, that protection, that refuge, that encouragement, and those open arms that other NIP (nurse-in-public) moms so desperately need, and I will do so relentlessly, openly, plainly, and without apology. Every woman has a right to choose how to feed her baby, but baby has every right to feed from his mother without any reproach, discouragement, disdain, disrespect, nor needing to tend to others' "needs." Baby's needs always come first unless there is an emergency that prevents this from happening.
I have joined a movement of women who refuse to back down because we are attempted to be shamed into doing so. It is simply repulsive, ignorant, and unethical to attack a mother who is doing what she believes is best, no matter how anyone else feels about it. Period. It really is an exercise to mind your own business and tend to your own household according to your beliefs, whether you cover your breast or hide from others or go into a bathroom or under a bush or what have you. But you absolutely do NOT have to, nor should you feel that you have to nurse your baby in those ways if you really have only been conditioned to think and act this way, and not thought it through for yourself as a mother who is primally connected and equipped to nourish her young aside from interventions.You need to do what you believe, and that will differ from woman to woman. We are all missing the higher road here, and that is that the baby is receiving supreme nourishment from mom. That in itself serves as a reason for celebration.
So here are "the rules" for nursing in public in a shame-inducing culture, aka America:
1. If you are from another country and your country practices the wellbeing of mom and baby by breastfeeding openly, follow your country's ways, not those of America.
2. If you are a free woman (which all women in America should legally be), figure out how YOU really feel..not what your mom, sister, aunt, church minister, professor, nor employer told you you should think. Then do that.
3. If you feel uncomfortable because you have been shamed into feeling uncomfortable, welcome to the club sister. Seek out support ASAP. Women who have support breastfeed longer and practice "extended breastfeeding," which America sees as a phenomenon but the rest of the world really doesn't.
4. Know that others shame-based comments are not about you; it's about them. Their insecurities, their religious beliefs, their self-righteousness. It makes them feel so much better about themselves to take stabs at you for being different than it does to acknowledge that you have the right to be different and set a new norm.
5. Do not tolerate ANY shaming or shame-inducing tactics in your circle. After you have educated others and spread awareness using yourself as an example, and others insist on invading your rights emotionally by continuing to proudly promote their disdain of your practices, do yourself a HUGE favor and for your wellbeing and the continuation of your practices, cut them OFF. Quietly or with a last warning, however you wish. When they wonder why, inform them that you are not entertaining any shame-based contributions to your life at such a crucial time when your baby really needs you to latch him/her without fear. Maybe they can contact you when your breastfeeding relationship with your baby is over because you only have room for supporters in your current circle. And who knows how long that will be?
6. If you feel the need to be sensitive to those you are sharing space with, you may give them a 5-second warning, saying "Baby needs to nurse now, excuse us" and proceed to remain in place, extricate your necessary breast(s), skin and nipple and all, and insert it carefully and unhurriedly into your sweet baby's mouth, therefore possibly eliminating the need for further awkward fumbling, relatching, hurried stressful sweat-induced fests trying to keep a blanket from being tossed on the ground, etc. Then continue your group involvement without any further comments even if you have to feign confidence and not being embarrassed you may have just "flashed" your father, brother, cousin, or pastor. There is no place for nudity/sexually related terms around a breastfeeding mother or around the topic of breastfeeding period. Do not tolerate it, even if it's done in jest or as a joke to get over the others' awkwardness.
7. If you have support people who are not comfortable with your views (parents, spouses, etc), tell them you have heard and respect their views, but you respect your baby's needs more as you are the only person who can supply those fully at this time. Now is the time to step into action as your baby's primary caregiver and personal advocate. Do not let others dictate how you can do this. Only you can dictate that. It is your choice. Ask your support people to simply be near you for moral support, if they can. Even if they just stand there silently. It's much easier to attack a person who is alone than in groups or in twos or threes. Others think, "well, obviously that other person doesn't see anything wrong with it" and they think twice about outrightly expressing their indignation with your act.
8. Do not allow people to call you indecent, immoral, or inappropriate. Inform them that you see this as a direct attack to your character and a form of harassment, which may have consequences. Furthermore, be informed on the breastfeeding laws in your state and any ramifications for not following these rights, whether it be from your employer, an employee in a place you are visiting, or elsewhere. Read this article to see those who have gone and fought before us, and remember every time we lend our voices in a time of need, we are a part of a bigger picture of freedom.http://breastfeedinglaw.com/articles/lactation-and-the-law/
9. If you were brought up in a conservative environment but desire to breastfeed publicly without inhibitions as you feel this is normal and healthy as do many women, I can share my experience. I am very self-conscious about showing myself in public, as I was raised to believe that the open sharing of my body was intended for my husband's eyes only, and that my value was related to my ability to remain sexually chaste and pure. I still have a hard time opening up fully to my husband because I am still teaching myself that my body does not need to remain hidden. I however do not believe that breastfeeding my child is in any way a form or act of indecency and am appalled at those that entertain these beliefs so firmly. Yes, it is a breast. It comes equipped with mammary glands and a nipple, with every biological intention of producing milk and having itself be inserted into a child's mouth. How a mother chooses to transfer this liquid gold is left to her discretion, but all breastfeeding mothers have nipples that end up in their infant's mouth one way or another. If it is done without inhibitions in public, this is absolutely fine and perfectly normal. I believe immaturity, ignorance, and narrow-mindedness regarding religion contributes to this interesting view that because a breast CAN be used in sexual activity it should therefore NEVER be used in a public setting for it's natural intent for nutrition, because as intellectuals we CAN make the distinction and it is most responsible to do so for public welfare and to encourage the health and nutrition of our mothers and children by realizing and publicly acknowledging this.
10. Do not stand by and silently suffer emotional distress. These types of movements take time. Our babies and daughters and sisters being able to breastfeed and nurse without inhibitions in the near future should be our goal as trailblazers, and we WILL undergo stress and protest. Do not pay it any mind. It will make you feel bad, it will make you cry, and it will make you doubt yourself and give you lower self-esteem. But what does your baby think about you? To him/her, you are LIFE. You are SAFETY. You are pure LOVE, and when you give freely of your breast and simply ignore any stares, glares, disdainful comments, etc you are serving the most important person in your circle, your precious little human being that you birthed with your body and endured the rights of passage into motherhood for. It is YOUR job to be your baby's voice when everyone else tries to replace it with theirs.
11. Above all, continue to love others. If you see any other women nursing no matter how they are doing it (expressed milk, covered, uncovered, extended, etc) go out of your way to pay them a compliment or encouraging word. Womanhood doesn't have to be cutthroat. We should be a community, a village, a tribe. When someone can't do for their child as is needed, they should be able to count on us to cover for them, even if it's just standing up for them or even nursing their children for them with their permission. Don't take the road of others and trespass on such an emotionally sensitive experience by trampling it with harsh criticisms and self-righteous words. Simply be a light and a beacon to all.
My eye-opening experience came while I was interning at a church I was very excited to be at. I always separated myself while nursing my infant to illustrate conscientousness towards other members, and after one prayer time when I removed myself from the group and sat against a wall and covered myself while nursing, which was the most spiritual experience to me to combine nursing and prayer, I was pulled aside and asked to nurse in the provided nursing room, as some of the elderly were uncomfortable. I was ashamed. I was saddened. I felt embarrassed. And moreover I felt wronged. I felt angry.I felt as if my rights had been violated. Even though absolutely nothing was showing, the mere thought of me putting my breast in my baby's mouth when others happened to be in the same room even though they couldn't even see what I was doing made me feel that there was no right way around the discrimination. When I mentioned it to my mom, she responded that the "separation of church and state" made it possible for the church to not have to abide by the rules of the law, which dumbfounded me. The church of all places should be a safe haven for nursing mothers and teach the true purpose and intent of the use of the breast for feeding children. Every child should see it, young adult males should be understanding of it, and those who struggle with seeing breasts as purely a sexually necessary object should receive private counseling for this and be forewarned that any inappropriate comments or stalking will be considered grounds of dismissal from the space the mother is inhabiting. The men of the church should stand up for her. Women should rally to support her. My own mother was my best encourager, with the simple words, "Don't cry another tear over it. I simply cannot see how people feel this way about what you're doing."
The reason this pathway is so difficult is because it is yet being formed, blazed through, and paved for the future America. Respect your baby and yourself, and thus your family by standing up for your beliefs and showing by doing if you find nothing wrong with how you breastfeed, which for me is in public without inhibitions. Find support, which is crucial. I have found that Instagram is very supportive for public breastfeeding. Books such as "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" restore the beauty of this taboo-subject. When others see you are just as serious about having your freedom be respected as firmly as others are insistent about covering it, slowly, changes will be made, even if it is simply silence. I have heard it is golden.
And another thing...this whole public breastfeeding/nursing in public vs private thing? Let's just stop it. It's all nursing, period. No differences needed. Stop the womanhood wars. Cultivate community. Celebrate the beauty of our womanhood and encourage one another. No stigmas necessary.
Fellow breastfeeding mom,
Monica
Let me begin by getting out all of the things that have been freely said to me as I voiced my questions to the common social mores of today regarding this highly-uneducated area of sensitivity.
- "Women have a responsibility to stay modest while they breastfeed."
- "I'm all for public breastfeeding, but I don't want to see your breasts."
- "It's fine, but she shouldn't let it all hang out."
- "That's what blankets are for" (from a gay man).
- "That's private."
- "You will cause men to lust"
- "How would you feel if a woman just walked up to your husband and exposed herself to him?"
Why the shame-induced tactics? Because sadly, they work. Women are taught they are the weaker gender, they don't have the intellect and insight to make good decisions, they are subject to a man to look towards for their value, for their self-respect, for their approval, and if not a man, a woman deemed "righteous" enough to evaluate this for her, in a man's place. And when women, who are not built up in their security and in their emotional strength and resolve, hear these messages all around them, they succumb to the bullying tactics, they feel the shame in heaping moundfulls, and they retreat, relenting into thoughts of obviously being silly to have had a right to their former thinking and their former beliefs, and almost eerily feeling that they will be better accepted if they follow "the rules." Otherwise, here come the wolves...
How bereaved I am that womanhood in America has the ability to successfully burden women with self-righteous mores and beliefs, without asking a woman first if she is of the same belief system, if she CARES what they think, nor asking themselves if what they have to say is actually encouraging to a mother who simply wants to give her children what she knows to be the best for her precious little life and simply needs a smile, a nod, a "great job", yet instead receives a barrage of unhelpful, intrusive, and downright rude and cruel subjective commentaries about how they should cover themselves and all other manners of narrow-minded pitiful stabs at her character.
I have been subject to this, either directly or indirectly, and I can tell you firsthand, it HURTS. It hurts very badly. Not only do I, of my own personality, not intrude on the peace of others when they stand up for their beliefs, but I would never go so far as to tell them the kinds of things mentioned above WHETHER OR NOT I believed in their way or a different way. I simply respect my loved ones and those in my village and circle too much to attack them in this manner, whether subtly or outright.
So while I've been relentlessly seeking, searching, begging, and pleading for others to accept me as I am as a mother who publicly breastfeeds, who is decently modest according to her personal beliefs in all areas of her life, and who is first and foremost a source of nourishment for her beloved child/ren, I have come to the conclusion that I will in turn BE that support for others, that safe place, that protection, that refuge, that encouragement, and those open arms that other NIP (nurse-in-public) moms so desperately need, and I will do so relentlessly, openly, plainly, and without apology. Every woman has a right to choose how to feed her baby, but baby has every right to feed from his mother without any reproach, discouragement, disdain, disrespect, nor needing to tend to others' "needs." Baby's needs always come first unless there is an emergency that prevents this from happening.
I have joined a movement of women who refuse to back down because we are attempted to be shamed into doing so. It is simply repulsive, ignorant, and unethical to attack a mother who is doing what she believes is best, no matter how anyone else feels about it. Period. It really is an exercise to mind your own business and tend to your own household according to your beliefs, whether you cover your breast or hide from others or go into a bathroom or under a bush or what have you. But you absolutely do NOT have to, nor should you feel that you have to nurse your baby in those ways if you really have only been conditioned to think and act this way, and not thought it through for yourself as a mother who is primally connected and equipped to nourish her young aside from interventions.You need to do what you believe, and that will differ from woman to woman. We are all missing the higher road here, and that is that the baby is receiving supreme nourishment from mom. That in itself serves as a reason for celebration.
So here are "the rules" for nursing in public in a shame-inducing culture, aka America:
1. If you are from another country and your country practices the wellbeing of mom and baby by breastfeeding openly, follow your country's ways, not those of America.
2. If you are a free woman (which all women in America should legally be), figure out how YOU really feel..not what your mom, sister, aunt, church minister, professor, nor employer told you you should think. Then do that.
3. If you feel uncomfortable because you have been shamed into feeling uncomfortable, welcome to the club sister. Seek out support ASAP. Women who have support breastfeed longer and practice "extended breastfeeding," which America sees as a phenomenon but the rest of the world really doesn't.
4. Know that others shame-based comments are not about you; it's about them. Their insecurities, their religious beliefs, their self-righteousness. It makes them feel so much better about themselves to take stabs at you for being different than it does to acknowledge that you have the right to be different and set a new norm.
5. Do not tolerate ANY shaming or shame-inducing tactics in your circle. After you have educated others and spread awareness using yourself as an example, and others insist on invading your rights emotionally by continuing to proudly promote their disdain of your practices, do yourself a HUGE favor and for your wellbeing and the continuation of your practices, cut them OFF. Quietly or with a last warning, however you wish. When they wonder why, inform them that you are not entertaining any shame-based contributions to your life at such a crucial time when your baby really needs you to latch him/her without fear. Maybe they can contact you when your breastfeeding relationship with your baby is over because you only have room for supporters in your current circle. And who knows how long that will be?
6. If you feel the need to be sensitive to those you are sharing space with, you may give them a 5-second warning, saying "Baby needs to nurse now, excuse us" and proceed to remain in place, extricate your necessary breast(s), skin and nipple and all, and insert it carefully and unhurriedly into your sweet baby's mouth, therefore possibly eliminating the need for further awkward fumbling, relatching, hurried stressful sweat-induced fests trying to keep a blanket from being tossed on the ground, etc. Then continue your group involvement without any further comments even if you have to feign confidence and not being embarrassed you may have just "flashed" your father, brother, cousin, or pastor. There is no place for nudity/sexually related terms around a breastfeeding mother or around the topic of breastfeeding period. Do not tolerate it, even if it's done in jest or as a joke to get over the others' awkwardness.
7. If you have support people who are not comfortable with your views (parents, spouses, etc), tell them you have heard and respect their views, but you respect your baby's needs more as you are the only person who can supply those fully at this time. Now is the time to step into action as your baby's primary caregiver and personal advocate. Do not let others dictate how you can do this. Only you can dictate that. It is your choice. Ask your support people to simply be near you for moral support, if they can. Even if they just stand there silently. It's much easier to attack a person who is alone than in groups or in twos or threes. Others think, "well, obviously that other person doesn't see anything wrong with it" and they think twice about outrightly expressing their indignation with your act.
8. Do not allow people to call you indecent, immoral, or inappropriate. Inform them that you see this as a direct attack to your character and a form of harassment, which may have consequences. Furthermore, be informed on the breastfeeding laws in your state and any ramifications for not following these rights, whether it be from your employer, an employee in a place you are visiting, or elsewhere. Read this article to see those who have gone and fought before us, and remember every time we lend our voices in a time of need, we are a part of a bigger picture of freedom.http://breastfeedinglaw.com/articles/lactation-and-the-law/
9. If you were brought up in a conservative environment but desire to breastfeed publicly without inhibitions as you feel this is normal and healthy as do many women, I can share my experience. I am very self-conscious about showing myself in public, as I was raised to believe that the open sharing of my body was intended for my husband's eyes only, and that my value was related to my ability to remain sexually chaste and pure. I still have a hard time opening up fully to my husband because I am still teaching myself that my body does not need to remain hidden. I however do not believe that breastfeeding my child is in any way a form or act of indecency and am appalled at those that entertain these beliefs so firmly. Yes, it is a breast. It comes equipped with mammary glands and a nipple, with every biological intention of producing milk and having itself be inserted into a child's mouth. How a mother chooses to transfer this liquid gold is left to her discretion, but all breastfeeding mothers have nipples that end up in their infant's mouth one way or another. If it is done without inhibitions in public, this is absolutely fine and perfectly normal. I believe immaturity, ignorance, and narrow-mindedness regarding religion contributes to this interesting view that because a breast CAN be used in sexual activity it should therefore NEVER be used in a public setting for it's natural intent for nutrition, because as intellectuals we CAN make the distinction and it is most responsible to do so for public welfare and to encourage the health and nutrition of our mothers and children by realizing and publicly acknowledging this.
10. Do not stand by and silently suffer emotional distress. These types of movements take time. Our babies and daughters and sisters being able to breastfeed and nurse without inhibitions in the near future should be our goal as trailblazers, and we WILL undergo stress and protest. Do not pay it any mind. It will make you feel bad, it will make you cry, and it will make you doubt yourself and give you lower self-esteem. But what does your baby think about you? To him/her, you are LIFE. You are SAFETY. You are pure LOVE, and when you give freely of your breast and simply ignore any stares, glares, disdainful comments, etc you are serving the most important person in your circle, your precious little human being that you birthed with your body and endured the rights of passage into motherhood for. It is YOUR job to be your baby's voice when everyone else tries to replace it with theirs.
11. Above all, continue to love others. If you see any other women nursing no matter how they are doing it (expressed milk, covered, uncovered, extended, etc) go out of your way to pay them a compliment or encouraging word. Womanhood doesn't have to be cutthroat. We should be a community, a village, a tribe. When someone can't do for their child as is needed, they should be able to count on us to cover for them, even if it's just standing up for them or even nursing their children for them with their permission. Don't take the road of others and trespass on such an emotionally sensitive experience by trampling it with harsh criticisms and self-righteous words. Simply be a light and a beacon to all.
My eye-opening experience came while I was interning at a church I was very excited to be at. I always separated myself while nursing my infant to illustrate conscientousness towards other members, and after one prayer time when I removed myself from the group and sat against a wall and covered myself while nursing, which was the most spiritual experience to me to combine nursing and prayer, I was pulled aside and asked to nurse in the provided nursing room, as some of the elderly were uncomfortable. I was ashamed. I was saddened. I felt embarrassed. And moreover I felt wronged. I felt angry.I felt as if my rights had been violated. Even though absolutely nothing was showing, the mere thought of me putting my breast in my baby's mouth when others happened to be in the same room even though they couldn't even see what I was doing made me feel that there was no right way around the discrimination. When I mentioned it to my mom, she responded that the "separation of church and state" made it possible for the church to not have to abide by the rules of the law, which dumbfounded me. The church of all places should be a safe haven for nursing mothers and teach the true purpose and intent of the use of the breast for feeding children. Every child should see it, young adult males should be understanding of it, and those who struggle with seeing breasts as purely a sexually necessary object should receive private counseling for this and be forewarned that any inappropriate comments or stalking will be considered grounds of dismissal from the space the mother is inhabiting. The men of the church should stand up for her. Women should rally to support her. My own mother was my best encourager, with the simple words, "Don't cry another tear over it. I simply cannot see how people feel this way about what you're doing."
The reason this pathway is so difficult is because it is yet being formed, blazed through, and paved for the future America. Respect your baby and yourself, and thus your family by standing up for your beliefs and showing by doing if you find nothing wrong with how you breastfeed, which for me is in public without inhibitions. Find support, which is crucial. I have found that Instagram is very supportive for public breastfeeding. Books such as "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" restore the beauty of this taboo-subject. When others see you are just as serious about having your freedom be respected as firmly as others are insistent about covering it, slowly, changes will be made, even if it is simply silence. I have heard it is golden.
And another thing...this whole public breastfeeding/nursing in public vs private thing? Let's just stop it. It's all nursing, period. No differences needed. Stop the womanhood wars. Cultivate community. Celebrate the beauty of our womanhood and encourage one another. No stigmas necessary.
Fellow breastfeeding mom,
Monica
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