I have so missed writing in my blog.
I think about writing all the time. It's just that most of my outbursts are focused on Facebook; it's quicker, easier, and I get a quicker social fix since people respond more quickly than they do to clicking an outside link and then commenting. But I do realize the need to compartmentalize the busyness that goes on in my mind and direct more to my blog. That way people can have a choice in the verbal vomit I subject them to.
Mothering has been very tiring recently. Still one of my top fav things to do, but being 20 weeks pregnant and experiencing the lovely fatigue that goes with that is pretty limiting. For example, a month and a half ago, decided to try preparing for a piano competition that is in my current state of Texas. The only issues I saw were that I had JUST found the competition, and just shy of two months to prepare for it. That means an entire 40 minutes worth of memorized music by a composer I have habitually avoided in the past would need to be crunched into the next 60 days. I was up for a challenge and not doing anything else but getting lost in my own world in our apartment with my chill'uns.
And of course I was reminded of why it's easier to NOT balance stay-at-home-momhood with working towards a serious goal. Doesn't mean you shouldn't, just that it's pretty darn hard. My toddler is my time-sucker. He is still nursing at 17 months (woo-hoo! AND ouch!) and although I'm teaching him moderation and "wait just a minute" he is pretty demanding. He also insists on sharing the keyboard with me during practice time and taking up the space I need to do quick arpeggios in the upper register or reach a bass note in the lower register. He is in my way all the time. Or making messes or turning on the water faucet in the bathroom and dumping things in the sink. He is a very active stinker.
I've still chugged through this past month and a half, having faith my persistence, dedication, and practicing would pay off by awarding me a great memorized program in a crazy short amount of time. I mean, professional musicians probably only take about 3 months to learn a new program and then perform it all over. I need to step my game up! But real life caught up to me...taking a break from kids to watch a TV program after they're in bed because I'm exhausted from keeping them alive all day, or need to spend time with my husband after he's been at work all day, leaving me with about an hour or two of practice time late at night. Not ideal. Plus I know how well I can do with some truly focused practice and a few hours a day. But even this superwoman just wants to sit and do nothing, much less practice.
I still have a week to see if I can make magic happen. If not I'm pretty much left with an almost prepared 40 minute program of Chopin music that I can try to market around town into a recital, which is another of my life goals (do a recital post-grad). There's also the crazy notion of saving my material to go perform in the actual Chopin International Competition in Warsaw, Poland in 2015 if I'm looking to have a panic attack along the way. Regardless, I won't give up on myself quite yet, because I've pulled off some crazy stunts in spite of circumstances along my journey.
Mothering includes sacrificing. Your time, your pleasures, your professions, and your dreams. I am a firm believer that "not now" in no way means "not ever." You just have to be creative and re-work your "right now" into something that you can deal with, like giving a recital around town to introduce yourself to the area (even though I HATE performing in public because of the anxiety). But I know that with my talent and abilities I could really share something amazing with the world if/when I am able to achieve my perfect balance.
I will never regret mothering. I will never regret this time. Because I won't be gifted with it again. My kids won't be young, wanting my attention, and driving me nuts forever. And I'm wise enough to listen to that voice in my head that says for me, what's important is what I've been doing all along. Yes, I can still try for my dreams and goals, but if they aren't perfectly executed to my or others expectations, I have to be okay with that and not beat up myself or resent my family for not giving me enough time to do them.
For now I will just try and see. And be grateful for everything that has happened along my journey. And embrace what is to come. I choose to be happy with imperfection in my household and in my career.
From a mother who seeks balance always,
Monica
I think about writing all the time. It's just that most of my outbursts are focused on Facebook; it's quicker, easier, and I get a quicker social fix since people respond more quickly than they do to clicking an outside link and then commenting. But I do realize the need to compartmentalize the busyness that goes on in my mind and direct more to my blog. That way people can have a choice in the verbal vomit I subject them to.
Mothering has been very tiring recently. Still one of my top fav things to do, but being 20 weeks pregnant and experiencing the lovely fatigue that goes with that is pretty limiting. For example, a month and a half ago, decided to try preparing for a piano competition that is in my current state of Texas. The only issues I saw were that I had JUST found the competition, and just shy of two months to prepare for it. That means an entire 40 minutes worth of memorized music by a composer I have habitually avoided in the past would need to be crunched into the next 60 days. I was up for a challenge and not doing anything else but getting lost in my own world in our apartment with my chill'uns.
And of course I was reminded of why it's easier to NOT balance stay-at-home-momhood with working towards a serious goal. Doesn't mean you shouldn't, just that it's pretty darn hard. My toddler is my time-sucker. He is still nursing at 17 months (woo-hoo! AND ouch!) and although I'm teaching him moderation and "wait just a minute" he is pretty demanding. He also insists on sharing the keyboard with me during practice time and taking up the space I need to do quick arpeggios in the upper register or reach a bass note in the lower register. He is in my way all the time. Or making messes or turning on the water faucet in the bathroom and dumping things in the sink. He is a very active stinker.
I've still chugged through this past month and a half, having faith my persistence, dedication, and practicing would pay off by awarding me a great memorized program in a crazy short amount of time. I mean, professional musicians probably only take about 3 months to learn a new program and then perform it all over. I need to step my game up! But real life caught up to me...taking a break from kids to watch a TV program after they're in bed because I'm exhausted from keeping them alive all day, or need to spend time with my husband after he's been at work all day, leaving me with about an hour or two of practice time late at night. Not ideal. Plus I know how well I can do with some truly focused practice and a few hours a day. But even this superwoman just wants to sit and do nothing, much less practice.
I still have a week to see if I can make magic happen. If not I'm pretty much left with an almost prepared 40 minute program of Chopin music that I can try to market around town into a recital, which is another of my life goals (do a recital post-grad). There's also the crazy notion of saving my material to go perform in the actual Chopin International Competition in Warsaw, Poland in 2015 if I'm looking to have a panic attack along the way. Regardless, I won't give up on myself quite yet, because I've pulled off some crazy stunts in spite of circumstances along my journey.
Mothering includes sacrificing. Your time, your pleasures, your professions, and your dreams. I am a firm believer that "not now" in no way means "not ever." You just have to be creative and re-work your "right now" into something that you can deal with, like giving a recital around town to introduce yourself to the area (even though I HATE performing in public because of the anxiety). But I know that with my talent and abilities I could really share something amazing with the world if/when I am able to achieve my perfect balance.
I will never regret mothering. I will never regret this time. Because I won't be gifted with it again. My kids won't be young, wanting my attention, and driving me nuts forever. And I'm wise enough to listen to that voice in my head that says for me, what's important is what I've been doing all along. Yes, I can still try for my dreams and goals, but if they aren't perfectly executed to my or others expectations, I have to be okay with that and not beat up myself or resent my family for not giving me enough time to do them.
For now I will just try and see. And be grateful for everything that has happened along my journey. And embrace what is to come. I choose to be happy with imperfection in my household and in my career.
From a mother who seeks balance always,
Monica
Comments
Post a Comment