I am musing today about my evolvement.
At 10, I thought I could befriend everyone. I knew nothing about petty nonsense except that certain girls in my fifth-grade class would sometimes tease me. My mom thickened my skin by telling me they were jealous. In fact, anything that happened in which I was teased was always resolved by "they're just jealous." Thanks Mom. No, seriously.
At 11, I went to music camp (Blue Lake) and made friends with a girl named Tiffany Yang. She was a better pianist than me, quiet, and kind of weird. We became friends. I wonder if I can find her on Facebook now?
At 12, shaving legs was a GIGANTIC deal. I wasn't allowed to. I felt like the Yeti.
At 13, I returned to music camp. I fell in love for the second-ish time. The first time I had no clue what was going on. This time, I never got to say good-bye to my new flame. I was depressed over that for a little while.
At 14, I went to CMU's music camp and met an awesome girl who was better at playing piano by ear than I was. I was inspired and challenged by this girl. She happened to be black. You don't see that all the time. Minorities in the serious arts. Her and I still need to do a concert together. We're both wives and mommies but also bad-a$$ pianists.
I don't remember too much about 15-16.
At 17 I went to prom with my handsome...cousin. I wasn't dating anyone since I couldn't date, so it was kind of weird and awkward for me to invite my cousin, but it turned out to be fun. Thanks Allan!
At 18, I went off to college. I was still very nerdy, but now I was somewhat a bit prettier. Boys now paid more attention to me. I was clueless. At the end of freshman year I met my FIRST boyfriend.
At 19, I left home for good. It was the first day of the rest of my life, and started a more painful journey than I ever could have imagined. My whole life was stuffed into garbage bags and packed in my new car that my godsister sold me for $200 (what a deal!).
Between 19-21 my life really got rolling. 22-26 flew by in a flash. I got married and had three children. Who knew women could be so freaking fertile?
Now less than a half-birthday away from 27, I ask myself STILL...WHO are you? And WHAT are you doing with your life?
I'd like to say I'm still moving forward, and most days that is true. But there are still days when I'm trying to keep my head above water, and somedays I let myself tread without a to-do list. I let myself think and ask questions. I let myself wonder.
Now I'm on a really new road. I've lost my faith, it's in a reconstruction zone as we speak. I've dealt with enough hurt for a lifetime x 10. I've questioned my decisions and wondered why I'm not stronger. I've beat other people with bats in my head. I've felt despair that my dreams are now over because I'm 26 with a Masters degree and it hasn't made me any smarter, wiser, or valuable.
But I do know I always want to be better...I want to know more, do more, hurt more, grow more, and be more grateful. Sometimes life is a pile of crap with a bow on it, but there are moments when you can't speak and your heart stops in your throat because of its glory. There is freedom to be found. And I'm so grateful to be a piece of this giant puzzle. I am worth something. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am destined for GREATNESS.
Monica
At 10, I thought I could befriend everyone. I knew nothing about petty nonsense except that certain girls in my fifth-grade class would sometimes tease me. My mom thickened my skin by telling me they were jealous. In fact, anything that happened in which I was teased was always resolved by "they're just jealous." Thanks Mom. No, seriously.
At 11, I went to music camp (Blue Lake) and made friends with a girl named Tiffany Yang. She was a better pianist than me, quiet, and kind of weird. We became friends. I wonder if I can find her on Facebook now?
At 12, shaving legs was a GIGANTIC deal. I wasn't allowed to. I felt like the Yeti.
At 13, I returned to music camp. I fell in love for the second-ish time. The first time I had no clue what was going on. This time, I never got to say good-bye to my new flame. I was depressed over that for a little while.
At 14, I went to CMU's music camp and met an awesome girl who was better at playing piano by ear than I was. I was inspired and challenged by this girl. She happened to be black. You don't see that all the time. Minorities in the serious arts. Her and I still need to do a concert together. We're both wives and mommies but also bad-a$$ pianists.
I don't remember too much about 15-16.
At 17 I went to prom with my handsome...cousin. I wasn't dating anyone since I couldn't date, so it was kind of weird and awkward for me to invite my cousin, but it turned out to be fun. Thanks Allan!
At 18, I went off to college. I was still very nerdy, but now I was somewhat a bit prettier. Boys now paid more attention to me. I was clueless. At the end of freshman year I met my FIRST boyfriend.
At 19, I left home for good. It was the first day of the rest of my life, and started a more painful journey than I ever could have imagined. My whole life was stuffed into garbage bags and packed in my new car that my godsister sold me for $200 (what a deal!).
Between 19-21 my life really got rolling. 22-26 flew by in a flash. I got married and had three children. Who knew women could be so freaking fertile?
Now less than a half-birthday away from 27, I ask myself STILL...WHO are you? And WHAT are you doing with your life?
I'd like to say I'm still moving forward, and most days that is true. But there are still days when I'm trying to keep my head above water, and somedays I let myself tread without a to-do list. I let myself think and ask questions. I let myself wonder.
Now I'm on a really new road. I've lost my faith, it's in a reconstruction zone as we speak. I've dealt with enough hurt for a lifetime x 10. I've questioned my decisions and wondered why I'm not stronger. I've beat other people with bats in my head. I've felt despair that my dreams are now over because I'm 26 with a Masters degree and it hasn't made me any smarter, wiser, or valuable.
But I do know I always want to be better...I want to know more, do more, hurt more, grow more, and be more grateful. Sometimes life is a pile of crap with a bow on it, but there are moments when you can't speak and your heart stops in your throat because of its glory. There is freedom to be found. And I'm so grateful to be a piece of this giant puzzle. I am worth something. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am destined for GREATNESS.
Monica
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