Today I gave away hugs to students I may never see again face to face, or at least for quite a while. It always incurs an emotional reaction, although my face may be smiling. I feel choked emotion lodged in my throat, and the only thing that can help me move past the moment is embracing it, understanding it, and accepting myself just as I am at that moment (a commandment of Gretchen Rubin, author of "The Happiness Project").
Why the big deal? People come and go all the time, why the extra stress regarding people who I don't even know that well personally, or at least hang out with on a weekly or monthly basis? Well, all I can do is tie it to my experience as a two-year-old. Now, I am telling this as it was told to me, as there is no way in the world I can accurately remember this. And although it is sad, I am no longer a victim of this situation, which is why I can learn from it and continue to move through my journey in life.
As many of you know, I am adopted. When I was 2 years old, my single mother could not keep me anymore, and thought it would be best to give me up. Better than living on the streets and secretly bringing me to work when she wasn't supposed to (she took care of an elderly man and was not supposed to bring me along). I don't know what was going on communication-wise with my father, or why this was not settled in a partnering type of way, but regardless, she asked my daycare providers to look after me for a while as they attempted to get on their feet. My adoptive parents agreed, and cared for me. For some reason or another, the "getting themselves together" portion didn't work out, and my mom asked my daycare providers to keep me full-time. My adoptive parents say they tried to persuade her to seek out family, either on her side or my father's side, but she was determined. My adoptive parents thought and prayed about it, as they were close to getting my older sister out of the house. They accepted the responsibility, and I paid a price. For some reason or another, the court system mandated my birth parents to return to the home I was living at with a social worker. My adoptive mother recalls me being "so happy and excited; you thought were going with them. But when it was time to go and they left, you didn't understand why you weren't going. You were devastated. You cried and cried, and the only way we could get you to stop crying was to take you out to Old Country Buffet to eat."
I did love to eat, and still do. I find it whimsical that it became a way for me to get through my grief at that moment. But the trauma of abandonment and despair followed me throughout my childhood, teenage years, and still plagues me in adulthood. I used to feel ashamed of my attachment issues. For instance, I once had a sleepover when I was between 8 or 9. The night before the girls were to go home, I lay awake with anxiety and overwhelming sadness, that tomorrow everything would be over. After they went home, I cried in my room in such confusion. I was depressed, and was too scared to show it because I did not understand such overwhelming emotion. I would always get very sad when it was time for my grandmother to go home (she stayed with us every other month or so). I would get overwhelming sadness when I went to music camp, made friends, and then had to leave in a week. I would think about them constantly and struggle not to cry all the way home. Any boys that I liked devastated me when they wouldn't show me any attention. My mom used to tell me that I shouldn't like boys like that, and make me feel like something was wrong with me for the way I felt. And I definitely felt that way myself; it wasn't normal to be depressed as a small child because people were leaving or when I was leaving the company of those I really enjoyed to return back to my life at home. That was life! But it really hurt me. Especially if I thought I might never see that person again. It was almost unbearable to live like this at times.
My adoptive mom still apologizes for not getting me the counsel and therapy I needed to work through those issues. But it is a very real problem, and should be treated. When my parents walked out the door again after they had already left and handed me over to others, I must have felt confused, sad, angry, overwhelmed, desperate, and anxious. I cry for that inner child that experienced that loss at times, and soothe myself by looking at my beautiful children and knowing that they are mine to keep forever. At times I do confess to my husband that I am very afraid of my children getting older and leaving me for a life of their own. It will be even harder for me to handle because of my experiences. But I have a long time to prepare for that. By accepting myself as broken and in need of repair, I am giving my self-esteem and heart a chance to heal. I am striving always to forgive, and have relationships with both of my birth parents. It is, however, hard for me to make a full and open connection with them because I have already grieved their loss my whole life, and am still grieving that loss. So connecting with them is often hard because I am still overcome with grief for my inner child. Your inner child is the spirit inside of you that still lives in past experiences and was never able to outgrow them. It may be developmentally delayed and still experience a resurgence of past emotion and react defensively to protect itself as it would have in that past experience. It is often afraid, lonely, hurt, sad, and looking for someone to discover it, love it, and nurture it into a wholesome health meeting the mental, emotional, spiritual quotas necessary for that child to survive on its own and surrender to full adulthood. The inner child is especially common in children or adult children of abuse. These types of people spend their entire lives wondering why they live the way they do, react the way the do, feel the way they do, and are afraid to let others repeat the behavior of abuse and often drive the people who actually love them away with unresolved anger and hurt.
I must say that I am better able to accept myself now that I know that attachment issues are results of such trauma as adoption and loss ("Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew", Sherrie Eldridge). I have been on a mission to seek healing and forgiveness in the past few years, as well as find out the meaning of happiness and strive to attain that dream. I am currently embarking on my own "Happiness Project", and am slowly putting myself back together with the help of family, friends, faith, and the resources of great books. I know that I will probably always struggle with saying good-bye to others, whether I've known them for weeks or years, and that it's ok. I know God knows His plans for me, and I need to trust that I'll be able to use my healing process to help others. I know one thing...it makes my children that much more special to me. I love them with my entire existence of being. And I can't even fathom that there's a God that loves us so much that He gave His own Son to save the scum of the Earth. I ain't giving mine up!
Love,
Monica
Why the big deal? People come and go all the time, why the extra stress regarding people who I don't even know that well personally, or at least hang out with on a weekly or monthly basis? Well, all I can do is tie it to my experience as a two-year-old. Now, I am telling this as it was told to me, as there is no way in the world I can accurately remember this. And although it is sad, I am no longer a victim of this situation, which is why I can learn from it and continue to move through my journey in life.
As many of you know, I am adopted. When I was 2 years old, my single mother could not keep me anymore, and thought it would be best to give me up. Better than living on the streets and secretly bringing me to work when she wasn't supposed to (she took care of an elderly man and was not supposed to bring me along). I don't know what was going on communication-wise with my father, or why this was not settled in a partnering type of way, but regardless, she asked my daycare providers to look after me for a while as they attempted to get on their feet. My adoptive parents agreed, and cared for me. For some reason or another, the "getting themselves together" portion didn't work out, and my mom asked my daycare providers to keep me full-time. My adoptive parents say they tried to persuade her to seek out family, either on her side or my father's side, but she was determined. My adoptive parents thought and prayed about it, as they were close to getting my older sister out of the house. They accepted the responsibility, and I paid a price. For some reason or another, the court system mandated my birth parents to return to the home I was living at with a social worker. My adoptive mother recalls me being "so happy and excited; you thought were going with them. But when it was time to go and they left, you didn't understand why you weren't going. You were devastated. You cried and cried, and the only way we could get you to stop crying was to take you out to Old Country Buffet to eat."
I did love to eat, and still do. I find it whimsical that it became a way for me to get through my grief at that moment. But the trauma of abandonment and despair followed me throughout my childhood, teenage years, and still plagues me in adulthood. I used to feel ashamed of my attachment issues. For instance, I once had a sleepover when I was between 8 or 9. The night before the girls were to go home, I lay awake with anxiety and overwhelming sadness, that tomorrow everything would be over. After they went home, I cried in my room in such confusion. I was depressed, and was too scared to show it because I did not understand such overwhelming emotion. I would always get very sad when it was time for my grandmother to go home (she stayed with us every other month or so). I would get overwhelming sadness when I went to music camp, made friends, and then had to leave in a week. I would think about them constantly and struggle not to cry all the way home. Any boys that I liked devastated me when they wouldn't show me any attention. My mom used to tell me that I shouldn't like boys like that, and make me feel like something was wrong with me for the way I felt. And I definitely felt that way myself; it wasn't normal to be depressed as a small child because people were leaving or when I was leaving the company of those I really enjoyed to return back to my life at home. That was life! But it really hurt me. Especially if I thought I might never see that person again. It was almost unbearable to live like this at times.
My adoptive mom still apologizes for not getting me the counsel and therapy I needed to work through those issues. But it is a very real problem, and should be treated. When my parents walked out the door again after they had already left and handed me over to others, I must have felt confused, sad, angry, overwhelmed, desperate, and anxious. I cry for that inner child that experienced that loss at times, and soothe myself by looking at my beautiful children and knowing that they are mine to keep forever. At times I do confess to my husband that I am very afraid of my children getting older and leaving me for a life of their own. It will be even harder for me to handle because of my experiences. But I have a long time to prepare for that. By accepting myself as broken and in need of repair, I am giving my self-esteem and heart a chance to heal. I am striving always to forgive, and have relationships with both of my birth parents. It is, however, hard for me to make a full and open connection with them because I have already grieved their loss my whole life, and am still grieving that loss. So connecting with them is often hard because I am still overcome with grief for my inner child. Your inner child is the spirit inside of you that still lives in past experiences and was never able to outgrow them. It may be developmentally delayed and still experience a resurgence of past emotion and react defensively to protect itself as it would have in that past experience. It is often afraid, lonely, hurt, sad, and looking for someone to discover it, love it, and nurture it into a wholesome health meeting the mental, emotional, spiritual quotas necessary for that child to survive on its own and surrender to full adulthood. The inner child is especially common in children or adult children of abuse. These types of people spend their entire lives wondering why they live the way they do, react the way the do, feel the way they do, and are afraid to let others repeat the behavior of abuse and often drive the people who actually love them away with unresolved anger and hurt.
I must say that I am better able to accept myself now that I know that attachment issues are results of such trauma as adoption and loss ("Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew", Sherrie Eldridge). I have been on a mission to seek healing and forgiveness in the past few years, as well as find out the meaning of happiness and strive to attain that dream. I am currently embarking on my own "Happiness Project", and am slowly putting myself back together with the help of family, friends, faith, and the resources of great books. I know that I will probably always struggle with saying good-bye to others, whether I've known them for weeks or years, and that it's ok. I know God knows His plans for me, and I need to trust that I'll be able to use my healing process to help others. I know one thing...it makes my children that much more special to me. I love them with my entire existence of being. And I can't even fathom that there's a God that loves us so much that He gave His own Son to save the scum of the Earth. I ain't giving mine up!
Love,
Monica
What a wonderful post. Children who have to leave their parents at a young age face a myriad of issues, even if they've found a loving adoptive home. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI feel that anytime one is true to self others will receive greatness from that person. That's what I receive from you Moni your greatness. Thank you so much for sharing and for paving the way for others. You make me want to strive that much harder to be the best me I can be. I plan to live and love and walk in forgiveness daily.
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