So! I've been leading worship at a really nice church; I actually started out as just the pianist, playing the hymns that were selected and picked by the pastor. A few transitions and a new pastor later, I saw myself being stretched, molded, and blended into someone I'd always subconsciously wanted to be but never really knew how to take the steps to become: A Worship Leader.
I've always felt that worship was my way to the cross. To believing whole-heartedly in a Saviour. To pouring out my heart and thoughts to God. To using it as a healing mechanism from my hurts. Going to a Black church, I appreciated gospel and old hymns. Simultaneously going to a White Christian school gave me awareness of contemporary Christian music using an acoustic guitar, drumset, and people lifting up their hands and closing their eyes. Going to college opened up all other types of music to me, and a revamped direction and Classical training in piano really gave me a world of music to enjoy and use to lift my soul up in worship to my Maker. It's been so awesome and I feel undeserving of such a gift and direct entryway into God's presence. It's unreal.
I've admired, maybe even "worshipped" other worship leaders such as Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Chris Tomlin, Kari Jobe, Rebecca St. James, Kirk Franklin, Donnie McClurkin, Smokie Norful, and other Christian groups and aspired to be like them; to get paid to sing original written songs to the Lord and make a living from it; to tour and "show off" their gifts and talents and to be admired and looked upon...to be "softly idolized" as I did/do the people God used as tools in my life to lead me to His feet.
I tried to do it on my own...to record a demo showcasing all of my gifts and highlighting my potential; to play for nightlife on my sax in order to get myself noticed in that avenue since "classical piano performance" isn't necessarily an attractive headliner for a sassy woman wearing hoop earrings with baby fat still around her middle and face. I've even researched all gospel/christian labels I was interested in with the goal of mailing my demo to each and every one of them. I would get my hopes up about a road I was on that was sure to get me "there" and end up frustrated and disappointed b/c it wasn't what I expected or assumed and didn't move fast enough.
And then I had a two-year depression because here I was with a Masters degree at 24 years old, 2 babies, a new marriage, baby fat, thyroid disorder, chronic fatigue. I had worn myself out. To get somewhere as fast as I could not knowing anything about anything but pushing hard to figure out something about everything. I chuckle knowing this is still about 1/4 of my current dilemma, but I'm ok with that. I thirst after information and strategy, sequence and assurance.
I began reading the Scriptures. I knew that with poor health, a sick spirit, and a down attitude I needed some uplifting. I found Scriptures that alluded to mentality- "Cheerful heart is good medicine for the soul" and "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." I was definitely heartsick, and watching tons of comedies alleviated my heartsickness for a few hours...my husband told me I was becoming unhappy, never satisfied with anything, and he felt that nothing he could do was making me happy. I was snippety, annoyed, easily irritated, fatigued, chunky, and had spiritual heartburn (where you have such a drive to accomplish/fulfill a purpose/goal that it turns into a lump in your throat whenever you think about it). I was driving myself and everyone nuts.
I began meditating almost daily on my favorite verse I stumbled upon in college, Jer. 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." I decided to believe in this wholeheartedly, just as I did in my college days when I had a plan and knew exactly what was coming next. I realized that as stated in Hebrews "without faith it is impossible to please God" and marveled at the verse in Hebrews stating that "faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I needed to trust that God had my future in His hands and had prosperous plans for it. But He wanted me to understand what it meant to trust...wholeheartedly! With my relationships/marriage, my mothering, my health, my finances...everything. Trust is a huge issue for me because I have seen firsthand how hurtful and unstable people can be in your life, and how trusting in man is futile. But I wasn't making the connection that I wasn't dealing with " a man." I was dealing with a God who proclaime to be "I AM" and the "Alpha and Omega" and who promised to be with me always, even unto the very end of the Earth.
Back to my transformation from talented sightreader worship accompanist to I-fell-into-this-in-front-in-your-face worship leader; completely not my plan or on my timing. But it's been such a blessing and such discipline for me. I have had to become schooled in the major of People Skills, minor in Mistakes and Learning to Say No, and close my eyes to any unsupportive-ness I may see to turn my heart and mind inward while singing words that held promises and keys to living. While playing the right chords on the piano with an acceptable groove. Learning to be a leader is the most vulnerable thing I've ever done. People depend on you. You need your own support system. Your friendships become strained because the people you now work with sometimes question you or other people on your leadership team, and if you're like me I HATE confrontation with my friends. And I've had some sticky friend-confrontation before. I detest it.
Being a leader has taught me not only to trust, develop required people skills (such as grace, kindness, friendliness), seek out support, guard my heart, face confrontation, etc. I've learned through Scripture that in God's church and body we ALL have a task to do. And most of our body parts have an accomplice. We have two hands, feet, eyes, ears, nostrils, rear-end cheeks, and actually 10x the finger and toes. When one is out of the game the other has to do double-duty or we have to rely on limping along until we can find a full-fledged replacement. It has taught me to respect my brothers/sisters even when I'm so annoyed with them I'd like to scream in their face ( I have a temper believe it or not). I also have had to learn to sometimes take the slack even when "it" wasn't my idea...it doesn't matter, we're all in the same body. If your right hand steals, your whole body goes to jail, right? We're all in, baby. We as a church need to be on one accord. When there is gossip, dissension, panic, fear, etc the Enemy has intruded into one of God's most beloved unions, His church. We are to "encourage and build one another up" and to "honor one another above ourselves." This is hard when different people with different personalities come together to try to form their own versions of what is pleasing to God, which sometimes equates to being what is pleasing to them. I have had to learn that worship isn't in a song, an instrument, an outfit, or an order in a program (although I believe order in itself, not chaos is pleasing to God). I believe worship is a condition of the heart. You tell God where you are right then and there, and tell Him what He means to you and bare your soul. You tell Him how He has been the only one there when everyone else has split, how you don't think you can hold on much longer, how you fear you're headed toward divorce, how you regret your college one-night stands, how you've lost your parent, how you are angry at the hurt you've gone through while He's been M.I.A...you meet with God in your worship. You seek union with Him. You go and search your heart right in the midst of worship service and confess to God. You find healing and comfort, solace and peace in the words of the song, in the groove of the music, in the Scriptures read during the sermon.
I've learned that the sum of my life's choices doesn't make me who I am. God takes what I've done and makes it into a masterpiece that He's had planned for me all along and asks me to trust that it will turn out the way it should. Being a worship leader has humbled me from the inside out, and has affected the way I deal with my kids and my husband. It has intrigued me even more to follow truth and to search for keeping peace in my home and outside of it. It has made me want to serve. It has turned the question from being "What can God to to help me get to where I want to go" to "How can I serve you God? What would be pleasing to you?"
I have great opportunities ahead, and I'm all in. My faith goes before me as I go off on another leg of my life journey. I praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Monica
I've always felt that worship was my way to the cross. To believing whole-heartedly in a Saviour. To pouring out my heart and thoughts to God. To using it as a healing mechanism from my hurts. Going to a Black church, I appreciated gospel and old hymns. Simultaneously going to a White Christian school gave me awareness of contemporary Christian music using an acoustic guitar, drumset, and people lifting up their hands and closing their eyes. Going to college opened up all other types of music to me, and a revamped direction and Classical training in piano really gave me a world of music to enjoy and use to lift my soul up in worship to my Maker. It's been so awesome and I feel undeserving of such a gift and direct entryway into God's presence. It's unreal.
I've admired, maybe even "worshipped" other worship leaders such as Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Chris Tomlin, Kari Jobe, Rebecca St. James, Kirk Franklin, Donnie McClurkin, Smokie Norful, and other Christian groups and aspired to be like them; to get paid to sing original written songs to the Lord and make a living from it; to tour and "show off" their gifts and talents and to be admired and looked upon...to be "softly idolized" as I did/do the people God used as tools in my life to lead me to His feet.
I tried to do it on my own...to record a demo showcasing all of my gifts and highlighting my potential; to play for nightlife on my sax in order to get myself noticed in that avenue since "classical piano performance" isn't necessarily an attractive headliner for a sassy woman wearing hoop earrings with baby fat still around her middle and face. I've even researched all gospel/christian labels I was interested in with the goal of mailing my demo to each and every one of them. I would get my hopes up about a road I was on that was sure to get me "there" and end up frustrated and disappointed b/c it wasn't what I expected or assumed and didn't move fast enough.
And then I had a two-year depression because here I was with a Masters degree at 24 years old, 2 babies, a new marriage, baby fat, thyroid disorder, chronic fatigue. I had worn myself out. To get somewhere as fast as I could not knowing anything about anything but pushing hard to figure out something about everything. I chuckle knowing this is still about 1/4 of my current dilemma, but I'm ok with that. I thirst after information and strategy, sequence and assurance.
I began reading the Scriptures. I knew that with poor health, a sick spirit, and a down attitude I needed some uplifting. I found Scriptures that alluded to mentality- "Cheerful heart is good medicine for the soul" and "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." I was definitely heartsick, and watching tons of comedies alleviated my heartsickness for a few hours...my husband told me I was becoming unhappy, never satisfied with anything, and he felt that nothing he could do was making me happy. I was snippety, annoyed, easily irritated, fatigued, chunky, and had spiritual heartburn (where you have such a drive to accomplish/fulfill a purpose/goal that it turns into a lump in your throat whenever you think about it). I was driving myself and everyone nuts.
I began meditating almost daily on my favorite verse I stumbled upon in college, Jer. 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." I decided to believe in this wholeheartedly, just as I did in my college days when I had a plan and knew exactly what was coming next. I realized that as stated in Hebrews "without faith it is impossible to please God" and marveled at the verse in Hebrews stating that "faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I needed to trust that God had my future in His hands and had prosperous plans for it. But He wanted me to understand what it meant to trust...wholeheartedly! With my relationships/marriage, my mothering, my health, my finances...everything. Trust is a huge issue for me because I have seen firsthand how hurtful and unstable people can be in your life, and how trusting in man is futile. But I wasn't making the connection that I wasn't dealing with " a man." I was dealing with a God who proclaime to be "I AM" and the "Alpha and Omega" and who promised to be with me always, even unto the very end of the Earth.
Back to my transformation from talented sightreader worship accompanist to I-fell-into-this-in-front-in-your-face worship leader; completely not my plan or on my timing. But it's been such a blessing and such discipline for me. I have had to become schooled in the major of People Skills, minor in Mistakes and Learning to Say No, and close my eyes to any unsupportive-ness I may see to turn my heart and mind inward while singing words that held promises and keys to living. While playing the right chords on the piano with an acceptable groove. Learning to be a leader is the most vulnerable thing I've ever done. People depend on you. You need your own support system. Your friendships become strained because the people you now work with sometimes question you or other people on your leadership team, and if you're like me I HATE confrontation with my friends. And I've had some sticky friend-confrontation before. I detest it.
Being a leader has taught me not only to trust, develop required people skills (such as grace, kindness, friendliness), seek out support, guard my heart, face confrontation, etc. I've learned through Scripture that in God's church and body we ALL have a task to do. And most of our body parts have an accomplice. We have two hands, feet, eyes, ears, nostrils, rear-end cheeks, and actually 10x the finger and toes. When one is out of the game the other has to do double-duty or we have to rely on limping along until we can find a full-fledged replacement. It has taught me to respect my brothers/sisters even when I'm so annoyed with them I'd like to scream in their face ( I have a temper believe it or not). I also have had to learn to sometimes take the slack even when "it" wasn't my idea...it doesn't matter, we're all in the same body. If your right hand steals, your whole body goes to jail, right? We're all in, baby. We as a church need to be on one accord. When there is gossip, dissension, panic, fear, etc the Enemy has intruded into one of God's most beloved unions, His church. We are to "encourage and build one another up" and to "honor one another above ourselves." This is hard when different people with different personalities come together to try to form their own versions of what is pleasing to God, which sometimes equates to being what is pleasing to them. I have had to learn that worship isn't in a song, an instrument, an outfit, or an order in a program (although I believe order in itself, not chaos is pleasing to God). I believe worship is a condition of the heart. You tell God where you are right then and there, and tell Him what He means to you and bare your soul. You tell Him how He has been the only one there when everyone else has split, how you don't think you can hold on much longer, how you fear you're headed toward divorce, how you regret your college one-night stands, how you've lost your parent, how you are angry at the hurt you've gone through while He's been M.I.A...you meet with God in your worship. You seek union with Him. You go and search your heart right in the midst of worship service and confess to God. You find healing and comfort, solace and peace in the words of the song, in the groove of the music, in the Scriptures read during the sermon.
I've learned that the sum of my life's choices doesn't make me who I am. God takes what I've done and makes it into a masterpiece that He's had planned for me all along and asks me to trust that it will turn out the way it should. Being a worship leader has humbled me from the inside out, and has affected the way I deal with my kids and my husband. It has intrigued me even more to follow truth and to search for keeping peace in my home and outside of it. It has made me want to serve. It has turned the question from being "What can God to to help me get to where I want to go" to "How can I serve you God? What would be pleasing to you?"
I have great opportunities ahead, and I'm all in. My faith goes before me as I go off on another leg of my life journey. I praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Monica
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