So, I was pregnant at 20; brand new boyfriend (of 3 weeks), senior year of college at stake, all my life plans for the time being hovering menancingly in my face telling me I would have to choose. I said "Screw you!"
What life didn't know about me was that I was a determined motivated driven individual who scoffed in the face of unwed pregnancy. I knew the stigma, shame, and judgement that was coming, and I was prepared for it. Poor Amy, she was just shell-shocked at the new demands and responsibilities. I, on the other hand, had lots of first-hand experience at caring for children/babies. My mom ran a daycare and I was often recruited to help. I cared for my newborn cousin/foster brother-turned adoptive brother when he was fresh in from the hospital, having NO prior experience in being left alone with a colicky newborn. That was hard. My sister had my first nephew when I was seven, and I loved helping with him and his sister when she was born when they were at our house. My parents did foster care. I wasn't new to kids.
But I was new to relationships...this was my second serious boyfriend, and now we were heading down the "family" road. We were completely in and of ourselves and had to learn through the years what the words "sacrifice" and "working together" really meant. Although I'd have to say we did a pretty decent job. We're still in it. Three kids later.
One thing I do have to say is that Shawn, my now-husband-then-boyfriend, stepped up and in to his responsibility as dad. He and I as a couple, that was another thing to work on entirely. And we still are working on it. That's life. I'm glad we hung in there as long as we did.
And Shawn wasn't a Ricky. At least while we were together. We each had our insecurities about the others' past, me more so than him. But then again I'm speaking for myself. Ricky slept with a LOT of girls, and wasn't faithful to the girlfriend he had. In fact, he and his girlfriend Adrian played sex games, each sleeping with someone else to "get back" at the other. It made my stomach sick to see this in the show, because I couldn't imagine what that would feel like in a healthy relationship...to use sex as a game piece to see who can even the score or get ahead. In fact, I never really wondered about my boyfriend playing me until a girlfriend of mine looked at me in disbelief when I told her I had never gone through his phone. I didn't know I needed to, because I didn't even think about it! She told me that she looked through her boyfriend's phone frequently...just to make sure. That got me thinking that I needed to...to be sure. So I did. That and facebook. Oh facebook. It's such a Pandora's box when it wants to be.
And we had some things to work through. I did a "getting you back" thing by accepting a number from a guy at work...then calling him...then talking to him...then suggesting coffee...(I wasn't married yet)...then freaking out when he texted me on Christmas while me and my doing-ok young family was opening presents. I ended up telling my boyfriend about it, and that was another hill to climb. Totally immature, I wouldn't do it again if I could be in that position. Life lesson learned.
Then we got pregnant again. I remember the Amy/Ricky scare in last season. I felt the panic when Ricky ran to get the test. And I breathed a sigh of relief when it was negative, knowing too well the strain that would cause their already pre-collegiate family. I became fiancee-ed soon after that pregnancy because I made it known that I was not a baby-making machine girlfriend...I was wife material. Hint taken. We're now married.
Which brings this review of my life from pregnancy to now down to a recent episode of "Secret Life." Amy and Ricky played me! They supposedly ran off to a little chapel in the boonies and got hitched, with father George's approval. They even secured a hotel room for a mini-moon and accepted wine (gasp!) as a "wedding gift." In a later episode, the same scene replayed but showed what happened just before the"marriage"; basically, the attending official was a loon who scared the crap out of them and they decided to make a run for it...throwing money at him on the way out. Mind you, I don't blame them! They then just told everyone they were married, and played the part to a "T." My guess is they're testing it out to see if they could last if they were really married.
I did NOT do that...I really did get married in a small short and sweet ceremony on the beach. It took me forever to get there, but I made it. And we did it. And I was scared. But I knew it was right. And with the "marriages" on Secret Life (Amy/Ben, Ben/Adrian, Ricky/Amy) I felt smug in knowing what the real thing was like, babies and all. One thing though: I was ADAMANT that we weren't going to get married BECAUSE we had little ones. I wanted us to have our hearts on the same page and to genuinely want to be together. Which seems backwards, I know but that's what happens in this generation of have-the-babies-first-marry-later.
I was a lot like Grace after baby#2 in this...at times I was proud of who I was sans-ring and other times I was running back to my Bible scouring the pages searching for clarification on what was torturing me like Grace when she felt ashamed. I totally get and love Grace's character. She's the persona of both honesty and bs. When she's on her Christian kick, she's totally self-righteous and judgemental and pushy. I, on the other hand, vowed to always be understandin, non-judgemental, and be the epitome of the word redemption...receiving grace, mercy, and favor despite being tuned in to my own station. Whenever I feel tempted to judge a situation, I remember how I was judged, and how I judged myself. Even a woman who cheated on her husband (and was caught in the act) and was thrown at Jesus' feet was protected by her in that He did not condemn her or have her put to death, He just challenged her not to do it again. And this makes me so grateful. Jesus didn't come to condemn us but to save the world through His sacrifice. If people have ever made you feel bad about something you did, think on this.
To sum this all up, I've healed in the following areas watching "Secret Life" and reliving these experiences through these teens:
1. Pre-marriage pregnancy
2. Insecurity in my relationship and myself as a newbie to sex
3. Insecurity in the faithfulness/dedication of my boyfriend/fiancee
4. Fear of marriage
5. Insecurity in and feelings of inequality of being "experienced" sexually due to number of partners
6. Feelings of shame, judgement, and unworthiness as felt towards/from others and feared from God
7. Knowing that all relationships have troubles, require work, dedication, faith, and responsibility for one's own actions
8. Knowing that everyone has their own secrets to deal with and no one is better than anyone else. EVER.
Ricky has scared me, worried me, surprised me, made me proud, and shown me where my true fears are in men. Adrian is the epitome of everything I strived NOT to be, at least from a sexual perspective. Amy is the girl I was, oblivious but not without responsibility. Ben? I've never met anyone like him. Madison and Lauren? The crazy besties every girl should have and always keep for life, no matter what. George and Anne? Proof that although you are married and have a fmaily, you still may not have it all together. Ricky's mom? Proof that being sober and free from an abuser can give you a second chance in your child's life. Ricky's foster mom? Proof that even with the right nurture a foster/adopted child can still have issues, and they will have to learn to heal, but that your parenting and bond is still powerful. Kathleen? Proof that you can both make mistakes, try to parent your children correctly, and still be (married and) sleeping with someone who is not who you thought they were.
Everything from past abuse, homosexuality, Christianity, betrayal, scandal, insecurity, obviously sex, obviously teen pregnancy, foster care, divorce, affairs, and step-parenting has been covered in some way in this show. I know that if it has helped me work through some issues and touch on sore spots I'd never allowed myself to even acknowledge that I had, that it's had an impact on others who may be dealing with some of the other issues mentioned. I am so grateful for the writer of the show, who through her honesty is helping our society deal with the very things we judge. Thank you.
And for the record: I am proud of myself, my family, my husband, and my life. I've lived, and the parts of my journey have made me the person I am. All anyone can ask of anyone is that they learn from their journey and become better because of it.
Monica
What life didn't know about me was that I was a determined motivated driven individual who scoffed in the face of unwed pregnancy. I knew the stigma, shame, and judgement that was coming, and I was prepared for it. Poor Amy, she was just shell-shocked at the new demands and responsibilities. I, on the other hand, had lots of first-hand experience at caring for children/babies. My mom ran a daycare and I was often recruited to help. I cared for my newborn cousin/foster brother-turned adoptive brother when he was fresh in from the hospital, having NO prior experience in being left alone with a colicky newborn. That was hard. My sister had my first nephew when I was seven, and I loved helping with him and his sister when she was born when they were at our house. My parents did foster care. I wasn't new to kids.
But I was new to relationships...this was my second serious boyfriend, and now we were heading down the "family" road. We were completely in and of ourselves and had to learn through the years what the words "sacrifice" and "working together" really meant. Although I'd have to say we did a pretty decent job. We're still in it. Three kids later.
One thing I do have to say is that Shawn, my now-husband-then-boyfriend, stepped up and in to his responsibility as dad. He and I as a couple, that was another thing to work on entirely. And we still are working on it. That's life. I'm glad we hung in there as long as we did.
And Shawn wasn't a Ricky. At least while we were together. We each had our insecurities about the others' past, me more so than him. But then again I'm speaking for myself. Ricky slept with a LOT of girls, and wasn't faithful to the girlfriend he had. In fact, he and his girlfriend Adrian played sex games, each sleeping with someone else to "get back" at the other. It made my stomach sick to see this in the show, because I couldn't imagine what that would feel like in a healthy relationship...to use sex as a game piece to see who can even the score or get ahead. In fact, I never really wondered about my boyfriend playing me until a girlfriend of mine looked at me in disbelief when I told her I had never gone through his phone. I didn't know I needed to, because I didn't even think about it! She told me that she looked through her boyfriend's phone frequently...just to make sure. That got me thinking that I needed to...to be sure. So I did. That and facebook. Oh facebook. It's such a Pandora's box when it wants to be.
And we had some things to work through. I did a "getting you back" thing by accepting a number from a guy at work...then calling him...then talking to him...then suggesting coffee...(I wasn't married yet)...then freaking out when he texted me on Christmas while me and my doing-ok young family was opening presents. I ended up telling my boyfriend about it, and that was another hill to climb. Totally immature, I wouldn't do it again if I could be in that position. Life lesson learned.
Then we got pregnant again. I remember the Amy/Ricky scare in last season. I felt the panic when Ricky ran to get the test. And I breathed a sigh of relief when it was negative, knowing too well the strain that would cause their already pre-collegiate family. I became fiancee-ed soon after that pregnancy because I made it known that I was not a baby-making machine girlfriend...I was wife material. Hint taken. We're now married.
Which brings this review of my life from pregnancy to now down to a recent episode of "Secret Life." Amy and Ricky played me! They supposedly ran off to a little chapel in the boonies and got hitched, with father George's approval. They even secured a hotel room for a mini-moon and accepted wine (gasp!) as a "wedding gift." In a later episode, the same scene replayed but showed what happened just before the"marriage"; basically, the attending official was a loon who scared the crap out of them and they decided to make a run for it...throwing money at him on the way out. Mind you, I don't blame them! They then just told everyone they were married, and played the part to a "T." My guess is they're testing it out to see if they could last if they were really married.
I did NOT do that...I really did get married in a small short and sweet ceremony on the beach. It took me forever to get there, but I made it. And we did it. And I was scared. But I knew it was right. And with the "marriages" on Secret Life (Amy/Ben, Ben/Adrian, Ricky/Amy) I felt smug in knowing what the real thing was like, babies and all. One thing though: I was ADAMANT that we weren't going to get married BECAUSE we had little ones. I wanted us to have our hearts on the same page and to genuinely want to be together. Which seems backwards, I know but that's what happens in this generation of have-the-babies-first-marry-later.
I was a lot like Grace after baby#2 in this...at times I was proud of who I was sans-ring and other times I was running back to my Bible scouring the pages searching for clarification on what was torturing me like Grace when she felt ashamed. I totally get and love Grace's character. She's the persona of both honesty and bs. When she's on her Christian kick, she's totally self-righteous and judgemental and pushy. I, on the other hand, vowed to always be understandin, non-judgemental, and be the epitome of the word redemption...receiving grace, mercy, and favor despite being tuned in to my own station. Whenever I feel tempted to judge a situation, I remember how I was judged, and how I judged myself. Even a woman who cheated on her husband (and was caught in the act) and was thrown at Jesus' feet was protected by her in that He did not condemn her or have her put to death, He just challenged her not to do it again. And this makes me so grateful. Jesus didn't come to condemn us but to save the world through His sacrifice. If people have ever made you feel bad about something you did, think on this.
To sum this all up, I've healed in the following areas watching "Secret Life" and reliving these experiences through these teens:
1. Pre-marriage pregnancy
2. Insecurity in my relationship and myself as a newbie to sex
3. Insecurity in the faithfulness/dedication of my boyfriend/fiancee
4. Fear of marriage
5. Insecurity in and feelings of inequality of being "experienced" sexually due to number of partners
6. Feelings of shame, judgement, and unworthiness as felt towards/from others and feared from God
7. Knowing that all relationships have troubles, require work, dedication, faith, and responsibility for one's own actions
8. Knowing that everyone has their own secrets to deal with and no one is better than anyone else. EVER.
Ricky has scared me, worried me, surprised me, made me proud, and shown me where my true fears are in men. Adrian is the epitome of everything I strived NOT to be, at least from a sexual perspective. Amy is the girl I was, oblivious but not without responsibility. Ben? I've never met anyone like him. Madison and Lauren? The crazy besties every girl should have and always keep for life, no matter what. George and Anne? Proof that although you are married and have a fmaily, you still may not have it all together. Ricky's mom? Proof that being sober and free from an abuser can give you a second chance in your child's life. Ricky's foster mom? Proof that even with the right nurture a foster/adopted child can still have issues, and they will have to learn to heal, but that your parenting and bond is still powerful. Kathleen? Proof that you can both make mistakes, try to parent your children correctly, and still be (married and) sleeping with someone who is not who you thought they were.
Everything from past abuse, homosexuality, Christianity, betrayal, scandal, insecurity, obviously sex, obviously teen pregnancy, foster care, divorce, affairs, and step-parenting has been covered in some way in this show. I know that if it has helped me work through some issues and touch on sore spots I'd never allowed myself to even acknowledge that I had, that it's had an impact on others who may be dealing with some of the other issues mentioned. I am so grateful for the writer of the show, who through her honesty is helping our society deal with the very things we judge. Thank you.
And for the record: I am proud of myself, my family, my husband, and my life. I've lived, and the parts of my journey have made me the person I am. All anyone can ask of anyone is that they learn from their journey and become better because of it.
Monica
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