If I hear this question another time I may shoot myself. What are you supposed to say? "Well, it's o-KAY" or "Um, it kinda sucks" or "It wasn't what I thought it was gonna be?" We all know what everyone is expecting to hear: "Oh my gosh, I love it so much, it's amazing and awesome and I'm with my soulmate and I'm so glad we found each other and I never could imagine being without this person and our marriage is so strong we don't have all those problems other people have and never will!" (this is the extended "happy" version).
It's almost like advancing through a life stage forms a new identity for you as a person-which is fine, don't get me wrong!-but others seem to feel this "new you" is the starting point for every conversation. If you just had a baby or have children, it's "How are the babies? How are the kids?" If you just got married or are married period, it's "How's married life?" Which is fine at first but seems like the never-ending question. Do people ever stop asking it or is a permanent tag to ur married status?
I wonder how come people never ask, "How's life as a divorcee?" or "How's life as a new woman" after having a transgender operation.How about "How's life having cancer" or "How's life being unemployed?" What's that? Because that stuff isn't positive? Easy to talk about? Well, I believe things life parenting and marriage are also more on the personal side of things. Let's face it: Marriage and parenting are not always fun. They're actually a lot of hard work. They make you cry, they make you wonder if you made the right choice, they make you question your sanity, they make you feel helpless, they make you feel like you're the only one struggling with whatever you're struggling with. Marriage and Parenting are two of the only things in life that can make you feel like the worst person in the world-the worst parent or the worst spouse. You always wonder if your kids or spouse might be happy with someone else when you're squabbling, or if YOU would be happier without all of it. Those two things will test you beyond reason and just when you think you want to be through with all of it, something small but beautiful happens that makes you wonder how crazy you were to question it in the first place.
I'm a newleywed. I'm in the adjustment stage. Some might say I'm in the "honeymoon stage." I don't believe that. My husband and I had our honeymoon stage before we were married. Nowadays, so many couples live together and purchase homes together before marriage. Even in Christian households this type of thing goes on, although it is kept under wraps. Couples experience sex together before marriage, do everything together, rarely spend time apart, and in my case, have children before marriage. We saw each other for a little over three months before I wound up pregnant with our first son. I WAS a virgin when I met him, so that is something new I got to experience with my husband (although we weren't married at the time).
Anyways, we moved in after I got pregnant and experienced co-habiting together. It was rough, and we split when our son was about 10 months old. Living together and parenting together had become too much pressure along with my responsibilities as a Masters student and all the time and attention that required. We differed on time management, with me wanting to throw myself fully into achieving academic success in school (and proving to others that having a baby wasn't going to "slow me down"). I admittedly gave less of myself to family life, which I am not proud of. I was there for my son as much as I could be, but I wasn't there for my boyfriend in the relationship. I regret that, but I learned from it.
Obviously we got back together :) He proposed to me and I started wedding planning. Did I mention we had another one on the way? She was half-way planned as I wanted another sibling for Kristian since I didn't have a sibling close to my age growing up and always wished that I did. I knew my boyfriend was the only one I wanted to have kids with, and I hoped it would help bring us closer and mend the patches. I know, not necessarily a smart thing to do, but I went with it.
Wedding planning was nightmare for me. I was pregnant, finishing my graduate program, and had not a lot of time. I didn't have much help, and none of our family really offered to help cover any expenses. We asked our family for help, but many couldn't help, and those that could, didn't for whatever reason. So I gave up on wedding planning and sadly agreed to the courthouse. After two months of thinking about how much I DIDN'T want to go that route, I switched last minute to a beach wedding. It would still allow our family to all be there and allow us to save heaps of money. It was tricky to pull off but it worked; despite the fact that I still had a minimal amount of help managing time and ended up being 2 hours late to my own wedding. Well, I can't do everything.
As you can see, our circumstances were a bit...unconventional. But that's really okay. It worked for us. After all we had been through together, we couldn't really see a reason not to get married. We had lived together, had kids together, been through a split and got back together, and were sexually compatible (as much as you may not want to know that). I knew I wanted to have more kids with this man, experience life with him, and was attached to and secure in him. I know my friends had doubts, and so did I. Who ever knows anything for certain in this life (aside from whatever you believe religiously)? But I'm not someone who doesn't take risks because she's afraid. I'd rather jump in and enjoy the experience instead of dipping my toe nervously into unknown territory. You don't think I was scared sh**less about divorce rates? You bet I was! Don't think I was oblivious to the fact that we're so different in so many ways that we may not be able to mutually agree on anything? Of course I knew this! But I also knew that what we did have in common (we were "real", hard workers, committed parents, committed partners, had similar ideas about life) had been enough to hold us down through our adventure so far. So I stopped being afraid and went for it.
Although I get freaked out all the time by reading articles about long-married couples splitting, or domestic violence in seemingly-perfect relationships, or cheating spouses, or see how many couples married before we did and have already divorced, I have to trust that we will do the best we can to make what we have work. All you can do is trust, hope, and pray...and better yourself as a person. Everything else is beyond your control. If your marriage didn't work out, don't keep beating yourself up over it. If it's possible to try counseling, go for it! If that person has moved on, let them live their life, and you must do the same. Although we will always have hurt and grieving for lost relationships (myself included), continuing to live life in the moment is what will get you through. Do you love life, do you seek happiness, do you love your children, do you find joy in the fresh autumn breeze and the beauty of the changing seasons? Then you're living :) That's all we can expect from you. The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake.
So how is married life? It's scary. It's a road trip where you're not sure where you're gonna end up or if you're gonna run out of gas. It's frustrating, annoying, energy-draining, and a lot of hard work-no way around it. But the little joys-family trips, spending time together, making a home together, laughing together, crying together-that's what make it worthwhile. I choose to live my life being married to my spouse, and that's what I'm living day to day. How is married life? It's life, plain and simple. And I'm living it...glad I took the plunge.
To me and mine, and you and yours,
Moni
It's almost like advancing through a life stage forms a new identity for you as a person-which is fine, don't get me wrong!-but others seem to feel this "new you" is the starting point for every conversation. If you just had a baby or have children, it's "How are the babies? How are the kids?" If you just got married or are married period, it's "How's married life?" Which is fine at first but seems like the never-ending question. Do people ever stop asking it or is a permanent tag to ur married status?
I wonder how come people never ask, "How's life as a divorcee?" or "How's life as a new woman" after having a transgender operation.How about "How's life having cancer" or "How's life being unemployed?" What's that? Because that stuff isn't positive? Easy to talk about? Well, I believe things life parenting and marriage are also more on the personal side of things. Let's face it: Marriage and parenting are not always fun. They're actually a lot of hard work. They make you cry, they make you wonder if you made the right choice, they make you question your sanity, they make you feel helpless, they make you feel like you're the only one struggling with whatever you're struggling with. Marriage and Parenting are two of the only things in life that can make you feel like the worst person in the world-the worst parent or the worst spouse. You always wonder if your kids or spouse might be happy with someone else when you're squabbling, or if YOU would be happier without all of it. Those two things will test you beyond reason and just when you think you want to be through with all of it, something small but beautiful happens that makes you wonder how crazy you were to question it in the first place.
I'm a newleywed. I'm in the adjustment stage. Some might say I'm in the "honeymoon stage." I don't believe that. My husband and I had our honeymoon stage before we were married. Nowadays, so many couples live together and purchase homes together before marriage. Even in Christian households this type of thing goes on, although it is kept under wraps. Couples experience sex together before marriage, do everything together, rarely spend time apart, and in my case, have children before marriage. We saw each other for a little over three months before I wound up pregnant with our first son. I WAS a virgin when I met him, so that is something new I got to experience with my husband (although we weren't married at the time).
Anyways, we moved in after I got pregnant and experienced co-habiting together. It was rough, and we split when our son was about 10 months old. Living together and parenting together had become too much pressure along with my responsibilities as a Masters student and all the time and attention that required. We differed on time management, with me wanting to throw myself fully into achieving academic success in school (and proving to others that having a baby wasn't going to "slow me down"). I admittedly gave less of myself to family life, which I am not proud of. I was there for my son as much as I could be, but I wasn't there for my boyfriend in the relationship. I regret that, but I learned from it.
Obviously we got back together :) He proposed to me and I started wedding planning. Did I mention we had another one on the way? She was half-way planned as I wanted another sibling for Kristian since I didn't have a sibling close to my age growing up and always wished that I did. I knew my boyfriend was the only one I wanted to have kids with, and I hoped it would help bring us closer and mend the patches. I know, not necessarily a smart thing to do, but I went with it.
Wedding planning was nightmare for me. I was pregnant, finishing my graduate program, and had not a lot of time. I didn't have much help, and none of our family really offered to help cover any expenses. We asked our family for help, but many couldn't help, and those that could, didn't for whatever reason. So I gave up on wedding planning and sadly agreed to the courthouse. After two months of thinking about how much I DIDN'T want to go that route, I switched last minute to a beach wedding. It would still allow our family to all be there and allow us to save heaps of money. It was tricky to pull off but it worked; despite the fact that I still had a minimal amount of help managing time and ended up being 2 hours late to my own wedding. Well, I can't do everything.
As you can see, our circumstances were a bit...unconventional. But that's really okay. It worked for us. After all we had been through together, we couldn't really see a reason not to get married. We had lived together, had kids together, been through a split and got back together, and were sexually compatible (as much as you may not want to know that). I knew I wanted to have more kids with this man, experience life with him, and was attached to and secure in him. I know my friends had doubts, and so did I. Who ever knows anything for certain in this life (aside from whatever you believe religiously)? But I'm not someone who doesn't take risks because she's afraid. I'd rather jump in and enjoy the experience instead of dipping my toe nervously into unknown territory. You don't think I was scared sh**less about divorce rates? You bet I was! Don't think I was oblivious to the fact that we're so different in so many ways that we may not be able to mutually agree on anything? Of course I knew this! But I also knew that what we did have in common (we were "real", hard workers, committed parents, committed partners, had similar ideas about life) had been enough to hold us down through our adventure so far. So I stopped being afraid and went for it.
Although I get freaked out all the time by reading articles about long-married couples splitting, or domestic violence in seemingly-perfect relationships, or cheating spouses, or see how many couples married before we did and have already divorced, I have to trust that we will do the best we can to make what we have work. All you can do is trust, hope, and pray...and better yourself as a person. Everything else is beyond your control. If your marriage didn't work out, don't keep beating yourself up over it. If it's possible to try counseling, go for it! If that person has moved on, let them live their life, and you must do the same. Although we will always have hurt and grieving for lost relationships (myself included), continuing to live life in the moment is what will get you through. Do you love life, do you seek happiness, do you love your children, do you find joy in the fresh autumn breeze and the beauty of the changing seasons? Then you're living :) That's all we can expect from you. The rest of the stuff is just icing on the cake.
So how is married life? It's scary. It's a road trip where you're not sure where you're gonna end up or if you're gonna run out of gas. It's frustrating, annoying, energy-draining, and a lot of hard work-no way around it. But the little joys-family trips, spending time together, making a home together, laughing together, crying together-that's what make it worthwhile. I choose to live my life being married to my spouse, and that's what I'm living day to day. How is married life? It's life, plain and simple. And I'm living it...glad I took the plunge.
To me and mine, and you and yours,
Moni
Thanks for keeping it real, Monica. Marriage is REALLY difficult. It always has been for Dave & I but we fight for our marriage & refuse to give up, and have removed divorce as an option (except if one of us goes crazy and starts beating -or abusing in any way- the other one or our kids). It's worth it. There have been 3-4 times I felt like I could have left Dave... but I didn't & we prayed for God's grace & every time I get over it, I'm so glad I didn't leave! I'm glad to hear you & your boo are married and in it to win it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Grace, ur an inspiration!
ReplyDelete