I will be completely honest. So many people are attacked for their transparency, or as others may less sensitively call it, "telling all their business." I laugh at this because privacy is considered a virtue nowadays. Privacy about sexual relationships, about breastfeeding, about fights in marriage, about disagreements between family members. What does privacy really help if we are being honest? What creates more discomfort and more awkwardness and more fuel for change but to be confronted in a not-so-private way? At the same time, what causes more vulnerability, more lowering of our shields that yield us powerless where we most need safety and security, in our hearts?
So as I said, I will be completely honest because I am at peace with where I am in my life. I don't find shame in the normal shaming society finds to be necessary, but I do find a yearning to confront and call out why we feel it is ok to provoke shameful feelings in others undeservedly because they are different than us. Why is it ok to shame a mother for breastfeeding uncovered if she is unashamed? Why is it ok to shame divorcees when we really don't know their story? Why is it ok to place social stigmas on others because of their body art, piercings, or any other symbolism that is of importance to them? The biggest curse of the American way and lifestyle is the art of shaming and finding support in your shaming efforts through other closed-minded and cruel individuals. I abhor this mentality and this subconscious way of being. I defy it, I question it, I don't conform to anything I am not convinced about.
I was reading an article in the Pathways magazine yesterday, a health and wellness magazine focused on integrative care and natural wellness that my chiropractor's office offers. I found an article that discussed the after-effects of the mom who posed on TIME magazine some time ago breastfeeding her three-year-old child, in what is known as extended breastfeeding in America, and just necessary nurture in any other country. The backlash and fervent twisted excitement with which the media and others who felt they needed to join in the shame game was sickening. I myself was initially uncomfortable with the story, but I've learned most of my discomfort comes from lack of exposure, and this is widely the case in much of our country. We feel shocked by displays such as public breastfeeding because we have never been assured of it's normalcy and it's complete disassociation from pornography and the true reason for the existence of the breast. I am happy to contribute to this awareness and education using my own self as a model. I was so impressed to hear the woman who was being interviewed, the mother who herself practiced what is called "attachment parenting" quote her mother as her source of inspiration, as the reason she never saw breastfeeding practices as being shameful and was herself breastfed until the age of 6. I am encouraged in knowing I am disproving this method of shaming in American every time I lend my breast to my child in a public atmosphere with men, women, and children alike everywhere around me. I have transformed my thinking into the right thinking for this act. Because of this I experience less stress, less overheating, less fumbling around, less guilt, and less disapproval because I approve of myself and doing what's best for my child in my own way. And my baby's happiness and health are my biggest rewards.
I am also very intrigued by religious shaming, be it not as direct but just as harmful. If an individual such as myself feels the need to release their tentacles from the institution and idea of organized religion (i.e. worshipping God in a church setting weekly with monetary contribution), there are myriad people willing to silently shake their heads and offer up a quick prayer for that person's salvation. I have come to believe that what you believe really is true--for you. I believe that anything we really put out mind to and invest in as superior and ultimate truth is able to be manifested in our lives, whether in the forms of blessings or attractions, in the form of peace or the form of enlightenment. The beautiful thing about religion is we have to choose what works for us. As hard as this may be to hear or think, it is truth. Many of us detach from, say, Christianity at some point in our lives because we cannot live under those principles or ideals any longer. It is not ok to judge our brothers and sisters for making this decision, because they are being true and honest to where they are in their lives. If they need your help, they will ask you. Do not bombard them and disrespect their journey by sadly shaking your head and praying for them up and down until the cows come home. I mean if you feel that is what you need to do go ahead. But you won't be changing their current truth. They will simply fade away possibly forever, driven away by the stigma of being condemned, damned, and doomed to satanic attacks and pending fires whenever the world does happen to end. And this is all based on a belief system that thousands upon thousands believe and invest their faith and hope in. I do not persecute those of other belief systems, even though I may not understand their logic or I may even be so weak as to judge them as brainwashed. Regardless of my personal convictions I owe them their space to believe as they wish. This is very hard for those of Christian faith to wrap their minds around, and they will most likely withdraw from such a tainted individual as they have been taught. They may insist that God really loves that individual and they can return to practicing the true faith at any time, with no repercussion as long as they repent. And this will be true if that person ends up choosing to believe this and follow through. But if they do not, they still deserve basic human rights, and also the spiritual freedoms to ask to not have the traditional generous helpings of prayers and blessings and God-talk heaped on them during their journeying time. They will let you know if they have rejoined "the fold." Until then, no shaming is necessary.
No shaming is ever necessary in family planning. It's such a personal and sensitive area and you may very well drive others away from you by insisting they follow a certain traditional path. We never know the background story in these situations unless someone feels impressed to open their heart to us, which is a very big showing of trust. I have learned to handle these topics with more care myself, and always offer support and then let the others have their way with their lives. It is their basic right. Me impressing my personal feelings on them (unless I feel fairly comfortable with them and am sure it will not affect our relationship) isn't kind. We should encourage whatever a family does have and whatever their wishes are, and allow them their space and privacy in this matter.
I have been affected by religious suggestions, by family planning intrusions and opinions, and relationship advice that was against my personal feelings and beyond any capabilities I possessed at the moment. I have been disdained for my personal insistence on career and family for myself, or at least felt that way. I have been ashamed and felt guilty by the tones, disappointing demeanors, and even outraged responses to being open with my feelings at seemingly inappropriate times and in unacceptable ways. What others need to understand is this: my life is not their life. My ways are not their ways. My beliefs may not always align with their firm insistent belief systems. And yet I deserve to be at peace. I deserve to be open and honest if I choose to be. I also deserve to accept the challenges and risks that come along with my personality style and still be considered a decent human with a beautiful heart and soul, because I am.
I am saying "no" to traditional shaming in parenting, religion, and lifestyle choices. Life is so fleeting, and it is also the right of every being to live a life where they feel free, happy, unashamed, and valued even as different as they are. This is my desire especially in our country, where anything untraditional calls for a scrutinized, critical and harsh view and condemnation for not conforming. This is ridiculous. This is mean. This must stop.
Uniquely at peace,
Monica
So as I said, I will be completely honest because I am at peace with where I am in my life. I don't find shame in the normal shaming society finds to be necessary, but I do find a yearning to confront and call out why we feel it is ok to provoke shameful feelings in others undeservedly because they are different than us. Why is it ok to shame a mother for breastfeeding uncovered if she is unashamed? Why is it ok to shame divorcees when we really don't know their story? Why is it ok to place social stigmas on others because of their body art, piercings, or any other symbolism that is of importance to them? The biggest curse of the American way and lifestyle is the art of shaming and finding support in your shaming efforts through other closed-minded and cruel individuals. I abhor this mentality and this subconscious way of being. I defy it, I question it, I don't conform to anything I am not convinced about.
I was reading an article in the Pathways magazine yesterday, a health and wellness magazine focused on integrative care and natural wellness that my chiropractor's office offers. I found an article that discussed the after-effects of the mom who posed on TIME magazine some time ago breastfeeding her three-year-old child, in what is known as extended breastfeeding in America, and just necessary nurture in any other country. The backlash and fervent twisted excitement with which the media and others who felt they needed to join in the shame game was sickening. I myself was initially uncomfortable with the story, but I've learned most of my discomfort comes from lack of exposure, and this is widely the case in much of our country. We feel shocked by displays such as public breastfeeding because we have never been assured of it's normalcy and it's complete disassociation from pornography and the true reason for the existence of the breast. I am happy to contribute to this awareness and education using my own self as a model. I was so impressed to hear the woman who was being interviewed, the mother who herself practiced what is called "attachment parenting" quote her mother as her source of inspiration, as the reason she never saw breastfeeding practices as being shameful and was herself breastfed until the age of 6. I am encouraged in knowing I am disproving this method of shaming in American every time I lend my breast to my child in a public atmosphere with men, women, and children alike everywhere around me. I have transformed my thinking into the right thinking for this act. Because of this I experience less stress, less overheating, less fumbling around, less guilt, and less disapproval because I approve of myself and doing what's best for my child in my own way. And my baby's happiness and health are my biggest rewards.
I am also very intrigued by religious shaming, be it not as direct but just as harmful. If an individual such as myself feels the need to release their tentacles from the institution and idea of organized religion (i.e. worshipping God in a church setting weekly with monetary contribution), there are myriad people willing to silently shake their heads and offer up a quick prayer for that person's salvation. I have come to believe that what you believe really is true--for you. I believe that anything we really put out mind to and invest in as superior and ultimate truth is able to be manifested in our lives, whether in the forms of blessings or attractions, in the form of peace or the form of enlightenment. The beautiful thing about religion is we have to choose what works for us. As hard as this may be to hear or think, it is truth. Many of us detach from, say, Christianity at some point in our lives because we cannot live under those principles or ideals any longer. It is not ok to judge our brothers and sisters for making this decision, because they are being true and honest to where they are in their lives. If they need your help, they will ask you. Do not bombard them and disrespect their journey by sadly shaking your head and praying for them up and down until the cows come home. I mean if you feel that is what you need to do go ahead. But you won't be changing their current truth. They will simply fade away possibly forever, driven away by the stigma of being condemned, damned, and doomed to satanic attacks and pending fires whenever the world does happen to end. And this is all based on a belief system that thousands upon thousands believe and invest their faith and hope in. I do not persecute those of other belief systems, even though I may not understand their logic or I may even be so weak as to judge them as brainwashed. Regardless of my personal convictions I owe them their space to believe as they wish. This is very hard for those of Christian faith to wrap their minds around, and they will most likely withdraw from such a tainted individual as they have been taught. They may insist that God really loves that individual and they can return to practicing the true faith at any time, with no repercussion as long as they repent. And this will be true if that person ends up choosing to believe this and follow through. But if they do not, they still deserve basic human rights, and also the spiritual freedoms to ask to not have the traditional generous helpings of prayers and blessings and God-talk heaped on them during their journeying time. They will let you know if they have rejoined "the fold." Until then, no shaming is necessary.
No shaming is ever necessary in family planning. It's such a personal and sensitive area and you may very well drive others away from you by insisting they follow a certain traditional path. We never know the background story in these situations unless someone feels impressed to open their heart to us, which is a very big showing of trust. I have learned to handle these topics with more care myself, and always offer support and then let the others have their way with their lives. It is their basic right. Me impressing my personal feelings on them (unless I feel fairly comfortable with them and am sure it will not affect our relationship) isn't kind. We should encourage whatever a family does have and whatever their wishes are, and allow them their space and privacy in this matter.
I have been affected by religious suggestions, by family planning intrusions and opinions, and relationship advice that was against my personal feelings and beyond any capabilities I possessed at the moment. I have been disdained for my personal insistence on career and family for myself, or at least felt that way. I have been ashamed and felt guilty by the tones, disappointing demeanors, and even outraged responses to being open with my feelings at seemingly inappropriate times and in unacceptable ways. What others need to understand is this: my life is not their life. My ways are not their ways. My beliefs may not always align with their firm insistent belief systems. And yet I deserve to be at peace. I deserve to be open and honest if I choose to be. I also deserve to accept the challenges and risks that come along with my personality style and still be considered a decent human with a beautiful heart and soul, because I am.
I am saying "no" to traditional shaming in parenting, religion, and lifestyle choices. Life is so fleeting, and it is also the right of every being to live a life where they feel free, happy, unashamed, and valued even as different as they are. This is my desire especially in our country, where anything untraditional calls for a scrutinized, critical and harsh view and condemnation for not conforming. This is ridiculous. This is mean. This must stop.
Uniquely at peace,
Monica
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