My description of an Adult Child would be as follows: an individual who is legally an adult but still has child-like underdevelopment due to malnutrition of mental/emotional health, and may be living in conditions where there stinted growth is causing them to have dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships in the real world. Emotionally they are still in a child-like state and need to grow up. I would dare to say some characteristics of Adult Children would be approval-seeking; trouble with rejection; attention-seeking; trouble saying "no" and feeling bad when they do; feeling anxiety or depression because of others' thoughts about them; staying in physically or emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships because they don't know a way out or even know that they are in a harmful relationship. I would estimate that Adult Children make up a remarkable part of our population, but women are more easily spotted and observed than men. Why are there adult children? On an episode of Dr. House he says, "This is why I say parents screw up their children; either they're too hard on them and the kid ends up angry and lashes out, or they're too easy on them and the kids gets into trouble" (this is loosely paraphrased, but he does make sure to tell anyone he thinks is "screwed up" that their parents are responsible). I don't believe this is always the case, but I do believe that individuals who had a hand in shaping the values and beliefs of the child is often a first-hand contributor to the dysfunction. Sometimes it can be multiple people. At the end of the day, there are Adult Children because those who care for them are human and make mistakes. Shoulder shrug, problem solved.
But the problem isn't solved. These children grow up to be clingy, attach themselves to outward facades of love and assurance, sacrifice their integrity to belong and to feel like they're approved of. Children are looking for "that" person to fill their love tank and make them feel wanted. And so Children will get married to people they think will fulfill this, or date someone they think will fulfill this. They will find a group of friends and do what they do to fulfill this. They will seek fulfillment in others they don't know how to find for themselves. This journey starts at different times/ages for Adult Children. It often will necessitate a program of retractment (pull away to discover why you are attracted to certain people who you feel aren't giving you what you need), assessment (do you need help? what tools do you need to succeed as a healthy, whole, human being who is strong enough to stand up for themselves and others who are in need of help), treatment (most often sought through a therapist or counselor, or through spirituality and recognizing a higher power is in control and through submission healing and enlightenment is attained), and recovery (moving on in your life daily with the help of the tools and treatment of your symptoms). Without the right boundaries, it is very easy to allow your mind to be tormented with confusion by re-immersing yourself in a community you worked hard to "grow out of" if you haven't allowed yourself proper time and tools to recover and regain strength. Remember, you are moving back into a population of Children who still need to recover and become well. If you receive a contagious disease or illness, after incubating and treating yourself it's probably not the wisest decision to go right back to the contamination you sought healing from. After building up immunity, you must find a way to inject immunity into those you seek to help or seek to be with. Sometimes you may never fully be able to join that community again because the risks are too great for you, perhaps even deadly to your spirit. After you have chosen to seek treatment as a Child, your responsibility is for yourself; no one else is in control of you, or is responsible for the wellbeing of your person. That is for you to nurture and find a community that is helpful in this process and cares about your growth. People who are not moving forward will want you to stay with them and where they are in terms of wellness, but that is not your job. YOU are your job, and you can't afford to miss a day of work. EVER.
And now the tough stuff; I once met a 27-year-old Adult Child who had a very brooding spirit. She lived at home and was still being physically assaulted by her parents. The worse part was she didn't understand what she had to do to be free and didn't feel capable of executing her freedom plan, and so she had ended back up in treatment more than once. After you receive healing from an ailment or sickness, when you feel it "coming on" you immediately self-medicate with rest, vitamins, reduced schedule, etc. until you kick the pre-sickness. You do what you have to do in the meantime to avoid it; again, rest! Exercise! Vitamins! Practicing wellness in your community (the people you surround yourself with)! Peeling off the leeches who suck away your spirit and progress! And being strong enough to say "no!" (I am not doing well, that activity-person-thought-job is not right for me right now).
The terrible thing about being an Adult Child in an abusive situation is that you don't realize what's happening while you're in it. To you, it's no different than how you grew up. The fighting, the soul-drainage, the physical assault, sexual assault, put-downs and criticism...if that's what you were "fed" that's what you'll continue to "feed on" to survive...but not much of a life, do you think? Again, treatment through counsel of a person who is sure-footed, educated, and able to see on a level that you're not yet capable of is a life-saver, along with finding something you believe in to pull yourself up out of your mush-life.
After retractment (are these people really good for me?), assessment (why am I like this?), treatment (I had no IDEA what was happening!), and recovery (I am working towards happiness, peace, fulfillment, and mental health), you are highly responsible for what happens next. After you are enlightened or made aware of something, you can't take that information back, send it back, hide it, bury it, or pretend you never saw it. Your responsibility to yourself and the rest of struggling Children has skyrocketed. Why? You are now an Adult. You have to take care of yourself. You will no longer allow yourself to be beaten or hit. You will no longer allow your body to be used in ways that you are mentally not okay with. You will no longer allow others to control your health with the dosage of guilt trips, manipulations, "your crazy"-ies, that they are usually used to drugging you with. You have to choose deliberately to be free and stay free. You have to be objective and look at yourself from afar, saying, "I love this person. She is strong, she is courageous. I can't allow her to go back to where she was in her spirit. God loves this person. He wants her to be complete in Him, not have self-worth tied to everyone else. I will fight for her. I will fight for those like her." You must be in charge. You must stand up for yourself.
The whole point of life is to be born, to journey, to die. This is true. But along the way to find the light. If that's God for you, seek after Him. If it's success, seek after it. If it's wholeness, seek after it. Your journey will possibly have more than one start as you find what is best for you. You don't owe anyone explanation for why you are going the route you are. They should be worried about their own route. You, your inner spirituality, and your health are what you must discover, nurture, and protect once you are enlightened and aware that you, the Child, are ready to grow up. Best of luck and peace on your journey.
Monica
But the problem isn't solved. These children grow up to be clingy, attach themselves to outward facades of love and assurance, sacrifice their integrity to belong and to feel like they're approved of. Children are looking for "that" person to fill their love tank and make them feel wanted. And so Children will get married to people they think will fulfill this, or date someone they think will fulfill this. They will find a group of friends and do what they do to fulfill this. They will seek fulfillment in others they don't know how to find for themselves. This journey starts at different times/ages for Adult Children. It often will necessitate a program of retractment (pull away to discover why you are attracted to certain people who you feel aren't giving you what you need), assessment (do you need help? what tools do you need to succeed as a healthy, whole, human being who is strong enough to stand up for themselves and others who are in need of help), treatment (most often sought through a therapist or counselor, or through spirituality and recognizing a higher power is in control and through submission healing and enlightenment is attained), and recovery (moving on in your life daily with the help of the tools and treatment of your symptoms). Without the right boundaries, it is very easy to allow your mind to be tormented with confusion by re-immersing yourself in a community you worked hard to "grow out of" if you haven't allowed yourself proper time and tools to recover and regain strength. Remember, you are moving back into a population of Children who still need to recover and become well. If you receive a contagious disease or illness, after incubating and treating yourself it's probably not the wisest decision to go right back to the contamination you sought healing from. After building up immunity, you must find a way to inject immunity into those you seek to help or seek to be with. Sometimes you may never fully be able to join that community again because the risks are too great for you, perhaps even deadly to your spirit. After you have chosen to seek treatment as a Child, your responsibility is for yourself; no one else is in control of you, or is responsible for the wellbeing of your person. That is for you to nurture and find a community that is helpful in this process and cares about your growth. People who are not moving forward will want you to stay with them and where they are in terms of wellness, but that is not your job. YOU are your job, and you can't afford to miss a day of work. EVER.
And now the tough stuff; I once met a 27-year-old Adult Child who had a very brooding spirit. She lived at home and was still being physically assaulted by her parents. The worse part was she didn't understand what she had to do to be free and didn't feel capable of executing her freedom plan, and so she had ended back up in treatment more than once. After you receive healing from an ailment or sickness, when you feel it "coming on" you immediately self-medicate with rest, vitamins, reduced schedule, etc. until you kick the pre-sickness. You do what you have to do in the meantime to avoid it; again, rest! Exercise! Vitamins! Practicing wellness in your community (the people you surround yourself with)! Peeling off the leeches who suck away your spirit and progress! And being strong enough to say "no!" (I am not doing well, that activity-person-thought-job is not right for me right now).
The terrible thing about being an Adult Child in an abusive situation is that you don't realize what's happening while you're in it. To you, it's no different than how you grew up. The fighting, the soul-drainage, the physical assault, sexual assault, put-downs and criticism...if that's what you were "fed" that's what you'll continue to "feed on" to survive...but not much of a life, do you think? Again, treatment through counsel of a person who is sure-footed, educated, and able to see on a level that you're not yet capable of is a life-saver, along with finding something you believe in to pull yourself up out of your mush-life.
After retractment (are these people really good for me?), assessment (why am I like this?), treatment (I had no IDEA what was happening!), and recovery (I am working towards happiness, peace, fulfillment, and mental health), you are highly responsible for what happens next. After you are enlightened or made aware of something, you can't take that information back, send it back, hide it, bury it, or pretend you never saw it. Your responsibility to yourself and the rest of struggling Children has skyrocketed. Why? You are now an Adult. You have to take care of yourself. You will no longer allow yourself to be beaten or hit. You will no longer allow your body to be used in ways that you are mentally not okay with. You will no longer allow others to control your health with the dosage of guilt trips, manipulations, "your crazy"-ies, that they are usually used to drugging you with. You have to choose deliberately to be free and stay free. You have to be objective and look at yourself from afar, saying, "I love this person. She is strong, she is courageous. I can't allow her to go back to where she was in her spirit. God loves this person. He wants her to be complete in Him, not have self-worth tied to everyone else. I will fight for her. I will fight for those like her." You must be in charge. You must stand up for yourself.
The whole point of life is to be born, to journey, to die. This is true. But along the way to find the light. If that's God for you, seek after Him. If it's success, seek after it. If it's wholeness, seek after it. Your journey will possibly have more than one start as you find what is best for you. You don't owe anyone explanation for why you are going the route you are. They should be worried about their own route. You, your inner spirituality, and your health are what you must discover, nurture, and protect once you are enlightened and aware that you, the Child, are ready to grow up. Best of luck and peace on your journey.
Monica
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