Tonight I'm writing about a topic I've struggled with for some time, but never really pinpointed because I felt it was petty and kind of childish. Funny considering I'm almost 30 years old. Yet I didn't really have any siblings around when I was a child. I was raised as an only child from about age 5 and upwards after being adopted by my adoptive parents. I guess I lived the life some kids dreamed about; I was afforded many presents on Christmas, private school education, music lessons, nice clothes...I was the only one so I would assume spending money on one child was easier than multiple children.
Besides being lonely and making up imaginary friends and being the weird kid I was, there were times I wished I had a sibling to take some of the pressure off of me...some of the heat from time to time (Even with my own kids, I find myself asking the oldest for the most help since he is older and the most reliable, but I've realized I need to make sure that all the kids are doing something to help, since they need to learn). I used to love when a cousin would come to visit, and wish they'd never leave. When my parents started doing foster care when I was a teenager I looked forward to getting new foster kids so there would be other kids around, kids kind of like me but not like me because I had a family and they were in limbo. But I still felt kind of like a big sister around them, filling them in on the rules, talking to them, and asserting my seniority, of course in a nice way.
When I finally met my biological siblings, there was some weird feelings...I knew I was connected to them because we shared a parent, but I had a hard time continuing to feel warmed up and connected after "the dust settled." I feel silly even trying to explain this whole concept! But I think after a while I started to realize these siblings had something I didn't have... the stability of a long-established relationship with one or both of their original parents. They were already an established family, and I was the newbie even though I was born first out of all of them. And I couldn't get rid of that feeling after a while...
I felt deprived of bonding experiences like those siblings had been able to have, with one another and with their original parent. I felt unsure of how they felt about me, if they saw me as a "sister" merely and inconveniently by blood or really felt like they had found a long-lost puzzle piece in finally having me "back." I would have one sibling who really seemed to love me, want to talk to me, and really see me as the glorious big sister, and another who wouldn't really speak to me, or stopped talking to me. I wouldn't know how to act or pursue a relationship, whether I should respect the "silence" as them needing their space, or whether I should keep trying. It's such a sticky situation. I felt angry with my parents because I wondered if they thought about how this experience would be when we were reunited: did they think everyone would automatically click beautifully? Did they think that maybe the new kid would like to be celebrated for a while without the pressure of having siblings pushed on them, trying to force a bond? Did they think that maybe reconnecting would be hard for us kids? What were they thinking???
The hardest part is feeling guilty as if I'd done something wrong; as if I had somehow been responsible for not knowing those members of my family all those years and now was trying to redeem myself even though I had no choice in the original separation. I came to realize that I grew sick of hearing family members talk about a sibling, raving about them and how well they were doing in school, or anything "extra" about them. No one raved about me like that, that either I could hear, or because they simply weren't there. I felt cheated. Sounds immature and juvenile, but it's real.
Keep in mind I've never had to deal with this new concept of siblings before. I always wanted them, but my reality was that I never had any growing up in the home with me, and didn't see my other adopted sister very often due to family issues. I still loved her and looked up to her, just because she was my "big sister." She is one of the strongest women I know, and I don't know where she gets it from.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that what I've learned is that when you are reintroduced to "the nest", you always run a risk...of either being rejected or joyfully accepted. Of playing the waiting game to wait for people to notice you or wonder if they care. And figure out how to progress with living your life when you find the reality is that sometimes things go on as if you still don't exist. The initial excitement is over, and it's too hard to forge strong bonds when so much time has gone past. I have learned what it's like to be on this side of the adoption fence, where time really does make a huge difference. And you have to be honest about your feelings and where things stand with your loved ones, even when it's hard.
I don't believe many people understand this unless they've gone through it. Most people I know have lived with their siblings their whole lives, or have half-siblings they see sometimes, and perhaps would gladly give away a few siblings. I just hope that the things I work through never make it past me, and that my kids will grow up knowing, loving, and bonding with each other, and remain together forever.
I'm here. I matter. I didn't have a choice then. But now my choice is to share with others and raise awareness as to how much healing can go into an adoption situation, or perhaps any separation situation. I imagine it's similar when a parent or sibling is incarcerated, or lives with another parent due to divorce or breakup. Separation is hard and has lasting effects when bonds are interrupted or never able to form. And maybe too, it just takes time. Maybe as long as you're gone is a guide for how long is may take to build a good foundation. Which is a very big project to undertake. Not saying I wouldn't, but with everything I've worked with, through, and for, I'm exhausted. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Yes, I'm hurt and angry but that's my problem to work through. I want people to start making an effort to UNDERSTAND what adoptees and those connected to adoption go through. Loss. Risk. Possible rejection after showing who they are to people who have never known them. Not to hear "you were better off" or " you sound ungrateful to your adoptive parents." Adoption involves changing the course of a life, often many lives. And that's not to be taken lightly. There's a lot of WORK that goes into getting to know your child and siblings and parents and extended family. When you're growing up, it's natural. You're around family all the time. You have no choice in who your family is, you accept the weirdos with the normals because you're family and that's what family does.
For some of us, we don't just have that one family. We have family upon family upon family because of our situation. And that's OUR reality. That we have to figure out, hopefully with grace, gentleness, understanding, compassion, and mercy for people who hurt us without intending to because they don't know and don't know how to fix it. I'm grateful for all of these lessons, because I have so much wealth of information regarding relationships to pull up when my kids need insight. Or when others who are reuniting with family need direction or advice.
In closing, I don't regret my life at all...don't be fooled by my honesty. I accept my life, and I appreciate all I've learned about people and the person I've become, the mother I'm striving to be, and the titles I haven't quite mastered yet but I think about often...the titles of daughter and sister. Who do I want to be under these titles? And how can I be that no matter who is on the receiving end? I'd start by saying grow a skin thicker than leather, stronger than metal, and impenetrable only by love...grown with time.
From a sister among other things,
Monica
Besides being lonely and making up imaginary friends and being the weird kid I was, there were times I wished I had a sibling to take some of the pressure off of me...some of the heat from time to time (Even with my own kids, I find myself asking the oldest for the most help since he is older and the most reliable, but I've realized I need to make sure that all the kids are doing something to help, since they need to learn). I used to love when a cousin would come to visit, and wish they'd never leave. When my parents started doing foster care when I was a teenager I looked forward to getting new foster kids so there would be other kids around, kids kind of like me but not like me because I had a family and they were in limbo. But I still felt kind of like a big sister around them, filling them in on the rules, talking to them, and asserting my seniority, of course in a nice way.
When I finally met my biological siblings, there was some weird feelings...I knew I was connected to them because we shared a parent, but I had a hard time continuing to feel warmed up and connected after "the dust settled." I feel silly even trying to explain this whole concept! But I think after a while I started to realize these siblings had something I didn't have... the stability of a long-established relationship with one or both of their original parents. They were already an established family, and I was the newbie even though I was born first out of all of them. And I couldn't get rid of that feeling after a while...
I felt deprived of bonding experiences like those siblings had been able to have, with one another and with their original parent. I felt unsure of how they felt about me, if they saw me as a "sister" merely and inconveniently by blood or really felt like they had found a long-lost puzzle piece in finally having me "back." I would have one sibling who really seemed to love me, want to talk to me, and really see me as the glorious big sister, and another who wouldn't really speak to me, or stopped talking to me. I wouldn't know how to act or pursue a relationship, whether I should respect the "silence" as them needing their space, or whether I should keep trying. It's such a sticky situation. I felt angry with my parents because I wondered if they thought about how this experience would be when we were reunited: did they think everyone would automatically click beautifully? Did they think that maybe the new kid would like to be celebrated for a while without the pressure of having siblings pushed on them, trying to force a bond? Did they think that maybe reconnecting would be hard for us kids? What were they thinking???
The hardest part is feeling guilty as if I'd done something wrong; as if I had somehow been responsible for not knowing those members of my family all those years and now was trying to redeem myself even though I had no choice in the original separation. I came to realize that I grew sick of hearing family members talk about a sibling, raving about them and how well they were doing in school, or anything "extra" about them. No one raved about me like that, that either I could hear, or because they simply weren't there. I felt cheated. Sounds immature and juvenile, but it's real.
Keep in mind I've never had to deal with this new concept of siblings before. I always wanted them, but my reality was that I never had any growing up in the home with me, and didn't see my other adopted sister very often due to family issues. I still loved her and looked up to her, just because she was my "big sister." She is one of the strongest women I know, and I don't know where she gets it from.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that what I've learned is that when you are reintroduced to "the nest", you always run a risk...of either being rejected or joyfully accepted. Of playing the waiting game to wait for people to notice you or wonder if they care. And figure out how to progress with living your life when you find the reality is that sometimes things go on as if you still don't exist. The initial excitement is over, and it's too hard to forge strong bonds when so much time has gone past. I have learned what it's like to be on this side of the adoption fence, where time really does make a huge difference. And you have to be honest about your feelings and where things stand with your loved ones, even when it's hard.
I don't believe many people understand this unless they've gone through it. Most people I know have lived with their siblings their whole lives, or have half-siblings they see sometimes, and perhaps would gladly give away a few siblings. I just hope that the things I work through never make it past me, and that my kids will grow up knowing, loving, and bonding with each other, and remain together forever.
I'm here. I matter. I didn't have a choice then. But now my choice is to share with others and raise awareness as to how much healing can go into an adoption situation, or perhaps any separation situation. I imagine it's similar when a parent or sibling is incarcerated, or lives with another parent due to divorce or breakup. Separation is hard and has lasting effects when bonds are interrupted or never able to form. And maybe too, it just takes time. Maybe as long as you're gone is a guide for how long is may take to build a good foundation. Which is a very big project to undertake. Not saying I wouldn't, but with everything I've worked with, through, and for, I'm exhausted. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Yes, I'm hurt and angry but that's my problem to work through. I want people to start making an effort to UNDERSTAND what adoptees and those connected to adoption go through. Loss. Risk. Possible rejection after showing who they are to people who have never known them. Not to hear "you were better off" or " you sound ungrateful to your adoptive parents." Adoption involves changing the course of a life, often many lives. And that's not to be taken lightly. There's a lot of WORK that goes into getting to know your child and siblings and parents and extended family. When you're growing up, it's natural. You're around family all the time. You have no choice in who your family is, you accept the weirdos with the normals because you're family and that's what family does.
For some of us, we don't just have that one family. We have family upon family upon family because of our situation. And that's OUR reality. That we have to figure out, hopefully with grace, gentleness, understanding, compassion, and mercy for people who hurt us without intending to because they don't know and don't know how to fix it. I'm grateful for all of these lessons, because I have so much wealth of information regarding relationships to pull up when my kids need insight. Or when others who are reuniting with family need direction or advice.
In closing, I don't regret my life at all...don't be fooled by my honesty. I accept my life, and I appreciate all I've learned about people and the person I've become, the mother I'm striving to be, and the titles I haven't quite mastered yet but I think about often...the titles of daughter and sister. Who do I want to be under these titles? And how can I be that no matter who is on the receiving end? I'd start by saying grow a skin thicker than leather, stronger than metal, and impenetrable only by love...grown with time.
From a sister among other things,
Monica
I am proud of you, Moni! You are an amazing woman and mom...Trust God to heal all wounds and to create the bonds that you desire...He is always good and filled with hope and truth. And, know that as you work to connect with biological siblings, you will also find sisters in Christ that may not share your blood, but that share your heart.
ReplyDeletePraying for your soul wounds to find relief in the healing salve of His blood,
Julie