This reflection quickie is inspired by something I said to my son regarding food. Take a peek:
Me: "What did you have for lunch at school today?"
Son: "I didn't try it, I didn't think I would like it."
Me: "Son, you're not always going to like everything that's placed before you. What if we didn't have any food at home and that's all you got to eat for a few hours, is what was offered at school? You'd be pretty hungry."
**Deep breath to think of how to organize subsequent thoughts into preschool-friendly terms**
Me: "...sometimes you can't think about the future, that you'll just eat when you get home. Think about the present, what's happening right now. You won't always like what's in the present, but sometimes you have to accept it whether you like it or not."
Did you catch it?
I immediately ingested my own words, and they're still digesting. I realized that the pain and hurt I mull over in the back of my mind throughout my days can really be collected up and reined in if I follow this motherly advice I gave my son. Right now, it is what it is. It just IS. Nothing I do, think, or say is going to magically dust-up everything and make it brand new. This is not a fairy tale, this is real life where fairy tales are even mini-conspiracies. I have to find the silver-lining in everything, and when I can't I obsess over it. Like WHERE IS IT!!! (panicked breathing inserted here).
But right now, in my life, and in yours, what is happening is what is. We have to accept it before we can take steps to correct it. Whether I like it or not, I have tons of siblings I'm not close with, two different families I can't seem to fit into, tormenting thoughts I constantly stuff back into their box, and people in my life who have gotten scott-free off their proverbial leash, running around like crazed people trying to piece their lives together with Elmer's glue instead of look me in the face and give me answers. But the attitude I have to take is that I will have NO FEAR. I will hold my head up. I will breathe deeply before saying something hard. I will listen to things I don't want to hear and try to learn from it. I will BE...here in the present, loving as hard as I can and sometimes crying just as hard when everyone's asleep. But crying is my heart's way of releasing its toxins. It begins to strengthen and becomes POWERFUL. It calls others together and builds strength, not pretense of being held together. If something in your life has been broken down, or is being broken down, speak to yourself the words, "This WILL be rebuilt. I will be immovable." Pick up those pieces, and walk.
It doesn't mean it won't be different...someday. It doesn't mean you won't get the apology or acknowledgment you need to be released...someday. It doesn't mean you won't forgive yourself for disappointing yourself or for being too hard on yourself...someday. It may mean all of this or none of that. We just have to get ourselves through today. Tomorrow may or may not come but right now is here, and we need to be there.
With you in spirit,
Monica
Me: "What did you have for lunch at school today?"
Son: "I didn't try it, I didn't think I would like it."
Me: "Son, you're not always going to like everything that's placed before you. What if we didn't have any food at home and that's all you got to eat for a few hours, is what was offered at school? You'd be pretty hungry."
**Deep breath to think of how to organize subsequent thoughts into preschool-friendly terms**
Me: "...sometimes you can't think about the future, that you'll just eat when you get home. Think about the present, what's happening right now. You won't always like what's in the present, but sometimes you have to accept it whether you like it or not."
Did you catch it?
I immediately ingested my own words, and they're still digesting. I realized that the pain and hurt I mull over in the back of my mind throughout my days can really be collected up and reined in if I follow this motherly advice I gave my son. Right now, it is what it is. It just IS. Nothing I do, think, or say is going to magically dust-up everything and make it brand new. This is not a fairy tale, this is real life where fairy tales are even mini-conspiracies. I have to find the silver-lining in everything, and when I can't I obsess over it. Like WHERE IS IT!!! (panicked breathing inserted here).
But right now, in my life, and in yours, what is happening is what is. We have to accept it before we can take steps to correct it. Whether I like it or not, I have tons of siblings I'm not close with, two different families I can't seem to fit into, tormenting thoughts I constantly stuff back into their box, and people in my life who have gotten scott-free off their proverbial leash, running around like crazed people trying to piece their lives together with Elmer's glue instead of look me in the face and give me answers. But the attitude I have to take is that I will have NO FEAR. I will hold my head up. I will breathe deeply before saying something hard. I will listen to things I don't want to hear and try to learn from it. I will BE...here in the present, loving as hard as I can and sometimes crying just as hard when everyone's asleep. But crying is my heart's way of releasing its toxins. It begins to strengthen and becomes POWERFUL. It calls others together and builds strength, not pretense of being held together. If something in your life has been broken down, or is being broken down, speak to yourself the words, "This WILL be rebuilt. I will be immovable." Pick up those pieces, and walk.
It doesn't mean it won't be different...someday. It doesn't mean you won't get the apology or acknowledgment you need to be released...someday. It doesn't mean you won't forgive yourself for disappointing yourself or for being too hard on yourself...someday. It may mean all of this or none of that. We just have to get ourselves through today. Tomorrow may or may not come but right now is here, and we need to be there.
With you in spirit,
Monica
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